The Process Part 2

So once my IPs and I chose each other, that really began a months long process to get from what I consider stage 2 to IVF transfer. And I should really say that while I may consider it stage 2 because it’s the very beginning for me, it’s not the beginning for my IPs. They have already been through much more including egg retrieval and freezing their embryos. No, this was more like the middle stages for them in a very long process. The next couple of months, we all waited while background checks were performed and paperwork was processed. I had to have my OB complete some paperwork about my medical history, my most recent exam, and write a letter of recommendation for me as a carrier. Basically, the IVF clinic that we would be working with needed to have a very thorough look at my health and medical history. They had to know everything!  Then in June, they flew me up to New Jersey to the clinic for a full day of medical and psychological screenings.

Going back to the timeline for a minute…I submitted the application at the end of January. I had the conference call with my IPs at the end of March. Background checks, medical history and document processing April and May. Screenings mid-June.

So back to the screenings…I literally flew up the night before, went to the clinic all day and flew back that night. The screenings were pretty straight forward. I started off with the psychological part. I met with a social worker who basically interviewed me going through a long form asking all sorts of questions. It really was not that dissimilar from the application. Everything just went into even more details. She asked about any and all aspects of my life, really, to get a very good picture of me and my life. We talked about what this experience would be like for me and what the possibilities are. She went through the possible complications, which are the same for all pregnancies, yours or not, and do in fact include the possibility of death. Of course, this is what would most concern me! I really do not want to leave my children motherless. But with that and with all the possible complications, I felt that those possibilities exist for me anytime I’m pregnant, they’re not highly likely, and the chance of them happening is not enough for me to choose not to do this. I had nearly a perfect first pregnancy. I have no reason to believe that I would have problems this time around. I’m not going to hold myself back based on the fear of possible complications. The social worker also stated to me that while yes, death is a possibility, they have never lost a carrier and really, I’m not going to die. More possible than death would be the possibility of a complication that would leave me unable to carry any more children. While that would be sad…who am I kidding, that would more than likely be devastating...again, I’m not willing to hold myself back based on the fear of the risks. It’s more likely that won’t happen. If it does, I’ll get through it. I’ve survived a lot in my life so far. I can survive whatever potential complications arise from this.

We talked about the parents involvement in everything, which is not a problem for me. We talked about involvement in each other’s lives after this is all done and over with. I have said all along that I would like to exchange pictures and keep in touch just like I do with all my close friends. No pressure to speak too frequently. In my mind, before even starting this process, I felt like ideally, I would become close with the family just like I am with my closest friends, and our relationship would naturally grow from going through this process together. So it would only be natural to maintain that afterward. Even with most of my closest friends who live somewhere else in this country, I speak to them every few months. It’s as if no time has passed and our friendships just click naturally. But it still can be that infrequent and doesn’t negatively affect our relationships. I would imagine it to be the same with the family, ideally. And the truth is that I have already grown to care for them very much in a short amount of time. I would expect as we get further along, for that to grow even more.

The social worker and I also spoke about the money issues. She kind of expected me to say that it feels awkward sometimes because I don’t want to feel like I’m nickel and diming them. But she assured me that I should not feel that way. She said the parents always know that the carrier is not responsible for any costs associated with it, and that I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable tracking every single expense, down to the penny. And I’ve learned since then that there is an escrow account that the IPs put money into, and part of the agency is fund management. They handle the funds. I send them an expense statement every month and they send me reimbursement. They also make sure I receive other payments when I’m supposed to, which I’ll talk more about later. So it’s kind of nice that that part of it is handled separately, very professionally, so it doesn’t feel weird and doesn’t really interfere with my relationship with my IPs.

Following my talk with the social worker, she gave me a psychological evaluation to fill out. It was a questionnaire, approximately 500 questions (I can’t remember the exact number other than it was in the hundreds, so I’m going with that!). It’s a standard psychological evaluation meant to determine whether or not you’re stable, basically. The questions weren’t asking specific details about my life. They didn’t even require more of a response than answering on a scale of “this sounds a lot like me, a little like me, not like me, or really not like me.” It took me most of the day to complete it because I kept it with me and worked on it in between other meetings and procedures.

I also met with my IVF nurse, and she went over the procedures I was going to have that day, the IVF once it happens, the timeline and the medications I would need to self-inject, how to do them and where.  She gave me some papers to bring home explaining all this again, with images so I remember where to inject them, and contact information for everyone at the clinic.

That afternoon, I had bloodwork done and lastly, I had saline sonography done. Basically they filled my uterus with saline so that it would expand and they could get a good ultrasound view of it in order to check the shape of my uterus and ovaries. I didn’t know if this was going to be painful, but it wasn’t. There was a very very small amount of cramping afterwards, that didn’t last very long. I couldn’t really feel anything other than them sticking something up there that the saline went through, and that was no different from a pap smear. So no biggie!

That was all the screenings I had. The main highlight of the day was meeting my IPs in person! They picked me up from my hotel in the morning, and we went to a diner before going to the clinic for all the screenings. I actually felt bad at first because I was automatically expecting a couple to walk into the hotel. I also don’t know what I expected the dad to look like, but the man who walked in, alone, just didn’t strike me as my IP dad. I looked right at him and then looked back down at my phone. He walked over and asked me if I was Jessica, and I jumped up embarrassed that I had assumed it wasn’t him! My IP mom was waiting in the car, so that’s why I didn’t see the couple I was expecting. But I walked out to the car with him, met my IP mom as well, and off we went. We were able to spend a little bit of time chatting at the diner before heading over to the clinic. They spent most of the day with me at the clinic as well. I’m not sure if they actually had stuff they had to do there too. I think they did and perhaps also met with the social worker. Actually, that reminds me that I had one other meeting that day, with the social worker and my IPs as well, where we basically compared notes on different potential issues and where everyone stands for those things. We didn’t really disagree on much. The only thing was me preferring my midwife who delivered my daughter, who I have been seeing for years, and them preferring a doctor. But my midwife works in a medical practice with many other doctors, and they all work together closely, so it shouldn’t really be an issue.

So I also was able to have lunch with my IPs before they headed out and headed home. They don’t actually live in New Jersey either, but they live within driving distance. I do think it’s amazing how you don’t need to be in the same state as the agency and clinic. It can all be done from wherever you are, with the travel arranged as well. My IPs also had a problem with the laws in their state regarding gestational carriers, so they had no choice but to use a clinic in a different state. I think it’s odd and absurd that states can have laws causing problems with these sorts of things. I mean, if people want to have babies, they should be able to do so any way they can. Why would a state government cause problems with that. It can be shocking how laws can govern and regulate our personal lives to such a degree. But I’m digressing into political territory, and that’s never a good thing. So moving on!

I had a lovely time with my IPs that day. I already felt very comfortable with them. Following our conference call, we continued to correspond via email. So when we met in person, it’s not like we barely knew each other. We had established a relationship. Meeting them in person was so much better though. My IP mom is so so so warm, kind, friendly and generous. I don’t want to go into too much detail about them and their lives, out of respect for their privacy. But I did want to say, even with a communication barrier, my IP mom and I just naturally connected and communicate freely and easily, and I can feel the love between us. I feel like that sounds a bit weird, but I don't know how else to describe it. We're going through a unique experience together, and I can feel the emotions between us around that, in a good way. I do speak to her somewhat often as well. We check in with each other regularly. I can feel the hope for their future emanating out of her. My IP dad is also clearly very friendly, generous and loving, though in a more reserved way. We also clicked and were able to converse freely, establishing a friendship too. But from him, I can see and feel his anxiety and nerves about this whole process much more. I can see the fear of it not working out and the apprehension in getting too emotionally involved too soon, which holds him back and keeps him reserved. It makes me want to be able to put a baby in their arms so much more badly. I want to be able to see the joy on his face when that anxiety and fear falls away. I recall writing to my IP mom as well one day, because I got to thinking about this experience I was about to go through, and I started visualizing giving birth to this baby and putting him or her in my IPs arms, and I started to cry tears of joy. It just makes me so happy to be able to do this for them, and I wanted my IP mom to know that I’m very much looking forward to that day.

So overall, it was a quick and painless day, and I was on my way back home in no time. The next step was contract negotiations prior to setting a date for the IVF transfer…to be continued