The Process Part 1

So what is the process of becoming a gestational carrier, you ask? Well, let me explain that for you…(this is going to be long, so I'm going to break it down into multiple posts)

The first thing I did was do a search on gestational carriers/surrogacy and agencies also came up who deal with this sort of thing. This is how I found the agency I am working with, Reproductive Possibilities, http://www.reproductivepossibilities.com/. I sent an email to inquire about the whole thing, and they sent me a packet of information as well as an application. The packet also included contact information for other carriers in case I wanted to ask them questions and speak with someone who went through it before. I did actually speak to one of them briefly, just talking about the right and wrong time to start something like this. I actually received this packet and spoke with this former carrier about 6 months before I actually completed the application and submitted it. That’s when I decided the timing wasn’t perfect yet, so to wait a bit longer.

So about 6 months later, I felt the timing was right and I submitted the application. It was pages long and very comprehensive. It asked all sorts of questions. It started out with the obvious questions about me, where I live, what I do, do I have kids, am I married or single, education, etc. Then it moved on to what types of people I would be willing to work with and how close I am to a hospital and airport. I was surprised to learn when I first received the packet, that you don’t have to be in the same local area as the couple. In fact, this agency is in New Jersey and they work with carriers and parents all over the country. This is why they want to know how close you are to an airport! Then it asked for health and health insurance related information. Of course, lots of questions about your previous pregnancies, sexual history, drug history and criminal background.  It went through a comprehensive list of questions concerning physical and mental health. They also started asking some tough questions that really make you sit down and think:

“Would you be willing to undergo amniocentesis or other diagnostic testing to determine the presence of birth defects?”

“If there were a serious problem with the fetus and the intended parents wanted to abort, would you be willing to abort?”

“Are there any specific conditions in which you would not abort a pregnancy?”

These are questions that, for the most part, for myself, I felt that it’s up to the parents. But upon filling out the application, I did put that I did not want to abort for Down Syndrome. I put that I was willing to abort for most everything else that would cause major health issues for the child and/or me, but at the time, I didn’t feel that you should abort a Down Syndrome baby. I felt that it would kind of be the hand you got dealt, and you were meant to have that baby, if that were the case. So I wasn’t willing to abort for Down Syndrome.

Then the questions became what is your understanding of what this entails, describe yourself, describe the qualities you want in the parents of a baby you may carry. Would you permit them in the delivery room? Would you permit them to doctor appointments and ultrasounds? Would you allow their names to be placed on the birth certificate(s)? Would you be willing to provide breast milk? What are your reasons for wanting to be a carrier? Questions about adoption and fostering. How do you feel about carrying twins or triplets? How do you feel about reducing a pregnancy with triplets or twins to 2 or 1, respectively? How much contact would you like afterwards? How do you think you will feel about handing over the baby? How much support will you have?

It really is a very thorough application that requires answering a lot about yourself as well as taking a good hard look within yourself as to why you are doing this, what you are willing to do, and if you will be able to handle it. My answers generally followed along the lines of this is not my baby, so the parents have the right to make most of these decisions, and that’s okay with me. I am concerned if it is going to affect my health and becomes a life or death sort of thing. My opinion on reducing went along the lines of my opinion on aborting. And as far as handing over the baby goes, to me it’s all about mentality. I am going into this knowing that this is not my baby, biologically. I’m just providing a home for it to grow in. It’s kind of like fostering but just with the womb! Yes, I’m going to care for this child, but I know it’s not my child, and it gives me joy to think about helping someone else out this way.

Lastly came the compensation issue and consent and acknowledgement. In the packet, it stated ranges for compensation, and on the application, you are asked to specify how much you would want. I can’t remember the exact amounts listed in the range. For first time carriers, of a singleton, I believe it was about $18,000-22,000, and a few thousand more for twins or triplets. For experienced carriers, all the figures were a little bit higher. I actually left it blank initially. But after I submitted it, they called me and said I had to specify, so I just went right in the middle for both, and specified $20,000. I really didn't know what to put! I didn't want to lowball, but I also felt like what right do I have to demand the highest amount? So I decided to go in the middle. It was later said to me that I should have put the highest amount, primarily thinking of myself, but that's not who I am. I think about everyone else first, and I think about what's fair, and I felt it was fair to go down the middle.

After they went through my application and determined that they liked me, they conducted a phone interview with me, which basically consisted of going through all the same information that was on my application again. If they wanted to delve further into any questions and answers, they did so then, and made sure they were clear on my responses to certain questions, such as the abortion and reduction questions. Once this was completed, they added my profile to a list for intended parents to review. They told me that there are two lists. One is the list of carriers who are willing to abort. The other is the list of carriers who are not willing to abort. I would go on the list of carriers who are NOT willing to abort. I was told that more parents want someone who is willing to abort, just in case.

So about a month went by, and I was reading a book called Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman. In this book, Ayelet talks about motherhood; the good, the bad and the ugly. In one of the chapters, she talks about discovering that she is carrying a baby with a trisomy similar to Down syndrome but more rare. She talks about all the emotions around that and the research she did into it, as well as the decision she made. Let me tell you, this is a chapter I sobbed my way through the first time, and then again the second time now as I refresh my memory on the details. Because the genetic defect her baby suffered from was more rare, there was not a lot of information available on how it affects the lives of babies born with this particular defect. One study they found showed that there were two possibilities. One was that the baby would be born without obvious defects. The other was that the baby would suffer from growth retardation, hypotonia, structural central nervous system abnormalities and seizures, facial malformations, failure to thrive, and developmental delay. They would not know which category their baby would fall into until he was born. Then came making the excruciating decision of whether or not to abort. She poured over research into the two ways the baby could turn out. Fought with herself over what they would be able to handle and what they couldn’t handle, i.e. physical malformations, mental retardation, etc. They sought counseling with a therapist specializing in this sort of thing. They spoke to their rabbi as well as family and friends. She spoke to the father of a son born with the condition who turned out normal. She spoke with a woman who decided to abort her fetus with the condition because her research indicated a bleaker outlook. She found an internet support group for people who have gone through this sort of thing. The turning point for me, as well as the turning point for her, was when she spoke to one of the researchers from that study they first read about at the beginning of their research. The doctor did not have any enlightening scientific news beyond what was published, but she did have the perspective of a parent, herself, of a mentally retarded teenager. She said “He’s the light of my life. I love him desperately. But if I had to do it all over again, I would have an abortion.” This was when it really hit me that it’s one thing to say, if you have a Down Syndrome baby, that’s the hand you got dealt (which sounds harsher than I mean it; I’m not phrasing it right. I think it should really be, you were meant to have this baby), and it’s another thing to actually live it. The extent to which having a special needs child changes your life is massive. I have to give major props to the parents of special needs children. Without me even being able to begin to truly understand all that you do for your children, your family and yourself, I know that it must be incredibly difficult but rewarding. Anyway, as this sunk in, I realized that I have no freaking clue what I would do if I were in those shoes, and I can’t say for 100% certainty that I would keep it. So I’m not going to tell anyone that they have to. And with that, I contacted the agency and told them I changed my mind, and they could change me to the “willing to abort” list. Trust me, I am very very hopeful that I will not have to go through that experience, being an abortion. But I’m willing to accept whatever outcome the parents choose.

Following that changeroo, a few weeks later I was notified that a couple liked my profile, and they wanted to speak to me. I was told that the next steps were having a conference call with the couple and the agency, after which, we would all decide whether or not to move forward. Just to give you an idea time-wise, this was about 2 months after I submitted the application. So the conference call was scheduled for later that week. I was a little nervous, not too bad though. I think I was more nervous because it was becoming a reality sooner than I was expecting it, and I had told very few people I was doing this. I had no doubt of the support I would receive (and already was receiving from a select close circle of friends), but I realized, it’s time to start talking about it. I wasn’t really too nervous about talking to the couple though. So the time for the conference call came, and it was not much different from the phone interview. Again, we went through the same questions and made sure everyone was clear on everything. They got to ask me any questions they may have had, and I got to do the same in return. The agency representative was kind of a moderator. One moment that stood out to me was that I remember saying that to me, I would kind of consider it like a job and it’s my job to take good care of myself and grow a healthy baby, and I remember, as I was saying that, hearing the mom go “Awww.” I didn’t even really realize how much of an impact that would make, as I interpreted it. I felt like that would be and should be a given for anyone who would be doing this. So that is something that stood out to me then. Overall, I just got a good feeling from them and certainly didn’t see anything wrong. We each had 24 hours to decide if we wanted to work with the other, or not. I felt like I had no reason to say no other than fear. But I had started this for a reason, so I wasn’t going to let fear hold me back. So with that, I said yes, and the next day that couple became my IPs!