I'm Sorry, I'm Pregnant!

Well, I'm officially 6 weeks along! It's amazing how fast time flies! Especially since I've technically only been pregnant 3 1/2 weeks, but since they count from the beginning of the cycle month, that makes me 6 weeks, which is approximately halfway through the first trimester. Most people think of the first trimester as the first 3 months, so you would think the first trimester is 12 weeks long. If I recall correctly, I think it's actually 14 weeks long. So I'm not quite halfway through yet. But hey, close enough! Every step closer to the second trimester makes me happy since the biggest chance of miscarriage is during the first trimester. I did ask my IPs if the embryo was tested at all. Our clinic does special research that includes testing the frozen embryos for genetic defects. They can test them and receive as much information as an amniocentesis gives you, including the gender. They do this to determine which embryos are more viable and have the best chance of success. Their success with this research has helped them establish a success rate approximately 20% higher than most other clinics in the world. Since the most likely cause for miscarriage in the first trimester is genetic defects, I wondered if they were able to do the same tests on this embryo. This embryo, though, was a fresh transfer, meaning it was never frozen. Even though they can do the tests on frozen embryos, some say that you're more likely to have success with fresh embryos, and my IPs wanted to try this one fresh instead of frozen. They placed confidence in the egg donor and the tests done on the egg donor, since she is in her young 20s and she was tested for genetic abnormalities. So it's more likely that her eggs are good, in comparison to women in their 30s and 40s. So fingers crossed all is good with this embryo and we continue to have success and milestones. Second trimester is only 7-8 weeks away!

I'm feeling pretty good. My queasiness has even lessened. I'd say I'm about 50/50, maybe even less than that. I seem to feel good most of the time. When I start to get hungry, I get a little queasy. In fact, that's what hunger feels like now, queasiness. But I'm a snacker, so I generally stay somewhat full, so the queasiness isn't bad. I have noted that I can add salami to the list of things I can't, or don't want, to smell anymore. Luckily for me my daughter likes to have salami rollups with her lunch every day! Oh well. I can handle it. The sore nerve is gone. But there's a new soreness. It's from the new needles. Since they are a bit bigger, they activate more pain receptors. Before, other than the initial prick, I couldn't really feel them go in or the progesterone go in. But now I can. Now I have the initial, bigger prick, plus the feeling of them going in, plus the feeling of the progesterone going in. And we all know as well that if you tense your muscles, you make it worse. I try not to, but especially since I also have to turn my torso halfway around to do the injections, I can't help tensing a bit. I currently have a knot in the top of the left side of my bum from an injection the other night. So the progression of my injections has gone from extreme muscle soreness, like after an intense workout, to nerve sensitivity, to a combination of nerve and pain receptor sensitivity. I know you would think those would be the same, but there's a difference. I can't really explain it, but there's a difference. The nerve sensitivity is almost like pins and needles when you touch it, whereas the pain receptor sensitivity is pain. Ok, maybe I can kind of explain it. So that's how that's going. Here you can see what I'm dealing with. The first needle withdraws the progesterone into the syringe, and the second one is for injecting into the body.

My ass feels like a pin cushion!

There is a new symptom that's becoming painfully clear. My hormones are out of control! They are making me emotional. I first noticed on Sunday when I got into an argument with my ex-husband, because I realized that I would normally choose not to get into it with him, but my hormones and emotions were making me feel like I didn't care, I wanted to rip into him and I did! Don't worry, he deserved it. It's just usually not worth it to me. I had a clear thought process, though, of I should let this go before the argument escalates but no, I feel like handling it differently this time and I know why. I also eventually got to the uncontrollable crying stage because I'm a crier anyway, especially when fighting, so of course I'm going to cry when both fighting and jacked up on pregnancy hormones! So once I was done fighting and was just driving to pick up my daughter (note: I was done fighting before leaving to drive), the crying began in the car. I even had a stranger looking at me and beep at me from the next car. I'm not really sure if he was hitting on me or checking to see if I was okay. I assumed the second but then was unsure when I saw his expression. But I blew him off before I had a chance to think about it anyway, and was happy to be able to speed away from that light. With every day since then, I have had a moment when I have cried or wanted to cry, and it's almost like an out of body experience in that my logical brain can see that I have no legitimate reason why I'm crying or want to, that it's all about the pregnancy hormones. That shows you actually how much the hormones increase with pregnancy. Because I have been on the estrogen pills and progesterone shots for weeks now, 4-5 weeks, and I did not feel any difference in my emotions until now. But it's glaringly apparent at the moment. Anything or nothing can set me off. It could be watching a video about a dad talking about his Down Syndrome daughter, watching a news story or even a fictional show or movie about tragedies with kids, or it could literally be NOTHING! You have no idea how frustrating it is to want to cry for absolutely no reason. I'm just going to have to start walking around saying, I'm sorry, I'm pregnant!

I did come to one emotional decision that I'm confident in, and I already talked to my best friend about it. I have thought off and on about the day I deliver. I've also expressed, recently, some concern about that time because I'm not worried about attachment to the baby, but I am worried about postpartum issues because of carrying a baby and not getting to take one home. (Side note: even if I had these concerns more before I made the decision, they would not have changed my mind. I made my bucket list recently, and I realized that this is something I want on it, and I'll check it off completely once I put a baby in my IPs arms. I wanted to do this for someone, no matter what. So I will prepare for the postpartum stuff.) Anyway, so I was thinking that I don't want to deliver this baby alone. My IPs should be there, but I mean having someone there for me. I could ask my mom. But I feel like it's a difficult situation. Being there for my daughter's birth was a nerve-wracking thing for my mother just from her own difficulties with childbirth. I don't want to put her through that for a baby that isn't mine, confusing her emotions. I also don't want an awkward situation in the room because there's me, in labor and getting ready to push out a baby, my IPs who I know and am comfortable with, and my mom who doesn't know them at all and is worried about me, her baby. I think I kind of feel like I would feel like I would need to play host, so to speak, as if we were at my house and I'm introducing everyone, but that's not really a good time for me to be playing host! So I realized the other night that I would really like one of my best friends to be there with me, to help me through the labor & delivery (which to be honest, will probably be more than my ex did the first time around anyway, so it will be nice!) and to be here with me in the days afterward as I'm recovering, getting back on my feet and going through that postpartum stuff. I talked to her about it tonight, and we already have a plan involving Friends marathons and Friends & Twilight Scene It! I can't wait! And I feel better knowing that she will be there with me. It'll be a little tricky planning the logistics, since she doesn't live in Florida, but the same applies to the IPs, so I'm sure we'll figure it out.

One last thing to mention...I had a bit of a premonition the other morning. I was in that semi-conscious state, you know, when you're trying to wake up but you're in and out. And something came to me, in a dream, but my eyes bolted open when I realized what it was. Someone whispered to me, "It's a girl!" Of course, that remains to be seen. It even struck me a bit as odd because it's not something I was thinking about or wondering about. But I certainly took note. So we shall see!

What's going on in there?!

It's been a LONG week! Everyday there's been something I wanted to blog about. But I've stopped myself every time. I've been afraid to talk more about being pregnant, for fear that it would go away. I don't know if it's because of the miscarriage last year or just because I'm older and wiser now, and more aware of all the things that can go wrong. I've had friends who have had tragedies, and not just early in the pregnancies, but in the late stages. It's probably a combination of all of it, and the result is that I'm more of a worrier this time. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn't worry about anything! I wasn't worried last year before I even knew I was pregnant, let alone after. But now I'm a worrier. I push the thoughts out of my mind fast. I don't want to dwell on them or attract that negativity into my life at all. But I'm finding it difficult not to worry. I hope, though, that as the pregnancy progresses, the worries will subside. Friday was a big step. Friday was the first ultrasound and more blood tests. A year ago, when they were doing ultrasounds to see what was happening with the pregnancy and why the HCG was lower than it should be, we saw nothing, just an empty uterus (the reality was that the embryo had implanted very low and not deep, so it was difficult to be seen, and it stopped growing since it wasn't implanted enough to sustain itself). Friday morning, we saw a beautiful oval yolk sac. There was no question something is in there and it looks good! 

The doctor even said that it's in a great location in the uterus and looks good. So I left the office relieved and happy. Later on in the day, my IVF nurse called me to go over the blood tests: my estrogen is at 168, my progesterone is at 31, and my HCG is at 3122. I realized that I haven't really mentioned the blood tests much. From weeks before the embryo transfer, they monitor the levels of my hormones to make sure that my body is first ready for the embryo transfer, and then sustaining the pregnancy. I started taking medications that are primarily these hormones, weeks before the transfer, hence the reason they are monitoring them. They need to know if the medications should be adjusted or not. So every time I have blood tests, they always call me with the results and they tell me what they're looking for as well as where mine are at. For Friday, they wanted my estrogen to be above 100...clearly passed! They wanted my progesterone to be above 10...still an A! And the benchmark for my HCG was 1500...definitely in the clear! She did say that the HCG varies with different women, but they generally want it above 1500 by this point. We're now about to the point, though, where the ultrasounds tell us what we need to know more than the blood tests. The next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, October 7th, and we'll be able to see the heartbeat! That one will be really exciting! My IVF nurse also told me that, as of Friday, I am considered 5 weeks and 3 days, and my due date is May 29th, BUT, that has to be confirmed via the next ultrasound. Since May 29th happens to also be my oldest daughter's birthday, and I know she would prefer to be celebrating, if she's in town, I'm hoping that the ultrasound will change it slightly. I originally thought it would be the first week of June. But then they told me I'm considered further along than I thought. So we'll see how it works out. I also confirmed with my nurse that I will continue the estrogen pills and the progesterone injections until I'm 8 weeks pregnant (only 3 more weeks! Yay!), at which point, when she instructs me to, I can stop both. I will still have 10-14 days more of a progesterone cream to insert, and then I will be done with medications! I believe that it's around about that time that I can switch to my normal doctor as well. Speaking of progesterone shots though, I used up a package of needles and switched to a new one. I didn't take much notice of the fact that the needles went from 25 gauge to 22 gauge. I figured they were essentially the same. Well they were a little more different than I realized! I'm sure I mentioned this before, but it's been a year, so to refresh your memory, the progesterone is really thick. It requires an 18 gauge needle to withdraw it into the syringe, and then you switch to a 22-25 gauge for actual injecting (The 18 gauge is WAY too big to inject with). With the 25 gauge I was using, it's so small (in width) that it would give my thumb a cramp injecting it because the oil is so thick. But with the 22 gauge, it goes in easily, no thumb cramps, BUT, it's a wider needle, so it hurts more going in. I mean, it's not horrible. I can deal with it fine. But I definitely notice the difference. Before the needle going in didn't bother me at all. Now there's a bit of a twinge. But at least I don't get a thumb cramp every time, and that makes the process faster as well. So right now my 4 goals are: 1. ultrasound with heartbeat confirming due date, 2. no more injections, 3. no more medications at all, and 4. transferring care to my OB/GYN. They're all within sight now too, kind of! Woohoo!

One other update...I discussed what happened with the nerve in my back with the local doctor. I told him that I seemed to touch a nerve, because in that moment I felt a tingling line down the side of my bum. Fortunately that went away after 2-3 days, but after that, I had and still have a soreness and bruise like area, as far as how it feels, from the injection area to the middle of my back. I said that I assumed it would heal. He confirmed that it will, and said to make sure to stay away from the middle of my back, which is how that can happen. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize that I was more towards the middle! From my years of dancing, I can isolate my upper body pretty well and turn just my torso to get a good angle for the injections. So I didn't realize that the spot where I had injected it was closer towards the center of my back than I thought. It's also a fine line between too close to the middle and in the area where I'm supposed to inject them. At my first transfer, they drew a circle around the area, so I'm going by memory on that. But that's basically what happened, and it will heal and be fine.

So I'm going to backtrack now. Like I said, every day there's been something I wanted to blog about. Every day there's been more and more symptoms, which led me to be more and more confident the closer to Friday it got. At the beginning of the week, the first thing I noticed was how sensitive my gums are now! I remembered from my first pregnancy, reading that pregnant women can have very sensitive, even bleeding gums. Fortunately mine aren't bleeding. But it definitely went from one day flossing didn't bother me, to the next day flossing was quite painful! I've definitely been more tired, sometimes exhausted this week! And by the end of the week, the breast tenderness was starting. Fortunately for me, it's not as bad as some women have it. It wasn't the first time around either. I've heard stories about women who scream in pain even from just accidentally being hit in the boob, because the tenderness is that bad. Not so for me. It's just a little bit in certain areas. BUT, it's a hallmark of my pregnancies. It's something that I look for, even as a reassurance that all is well. A year ago when I was pregnant, I had sore breasts! That's part of how I knew I was pregnant. I think it was consistent throughout my entire pregnancy with my daughter. So this week, as I anxiously awaited the ultrasound, I was waiting for that to start, and I was relieved when it did. Of course it waited until the last minute! Kept me in suspense! But there were the other symptoms as well. I just had to put them all together and be confident in them. 

On Monday, I was so anxious about it, I asked God for a sign. A little while later, I was suddenly overcome with nausea to the point where I bent over and kneeled down on the ground waiting for it to subside so I could get something to eat. I wondered if that was the start of my morning sickness. Before Friday, I dismissed it because I never got that nauseous again, though I was frequently queasy, but it wasn't enough for me to be sure. Now, since it's been a consistent queasiness when I'm hungry, I recognize it for what it is...morning sickness, aka all day sickness, as it should be called. And here's your little lesson on morning sickness, if you don't already know. You can be sick any time of day, not just in the morning. It's called morning sickness because it's usually worse in the morning, probably because you're asleep all night, not eating, so you wake up hungry and sick. For me, it's all day, but it's not bad at all. I wouldn't even call it nausea. It's just a slight queasiness when I'm hungry, so as long as I keep eating, I'm fine. The fuller my stomach, the better. The only problem is that I'm ALWAYS hungry! Today I had lunch, a full meal, and when I finished, I was more hungry than I was before I ate! What kills me about this is that I read online that during the first trimester at least, you don't need to eat more than a normal 2000 calories a day diet, that it's during the third trimester more than anything that you really need to increase your calories. (I can't remember what their verdict was on the second trimester.) But seriously, I am SO HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME, that simply can't be! Well, today, I read in a pregnancy book I have at home, that weight gain should be slow & steady over the course of the whole pregnancy. Women in the first trimester average about 2-8 pounds weight gain. For a woman like me, in a normal weight range, I should gain between 25-30 pounds over the course of the pregnancy. (I gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy.) According to the book, you need an extra 80,000 calories to grow a baby, and you should increase your intake by 100 calories per day during the first trimester, by 300 calories per day during the second and third trimesters, and if you breastfeed, by 450 calories per day. But if you're active or have a high metabolism, this may not be enough, and you may need to experiment to figure out how much you need, to maintain a slow and steady pace. I don't know what my weight gain is so far...probably not much if any! But I know I'm going to at least gain a little since I can't stop eating! I was even going to keep tracking my calories (how I lost 18 pounds this year), and focus on maintaining a fit pregnancy. Yeah it didn't take long for that to go out the window...the calories tracking at least. I'm still going to continue to work out daily and maintain a fit pregnancy, but I'm not going to track my calories anymore. I'm eating too much! It's getting old fast and taking too much time! If I'm hungry, there's a good reason, and I'm not going to get in the way of growing a healthy baby. I'm just going to take better care of myself this pregnancy and work out regularly.

Let me also add, I learned something new today. My sense of smell is through the roof! And that affects my queasiness too. I feel like I can smell everything! At work tonight, anyone with strong perfume or cologne, I was definitely aware of their presence. There were also many places in the building with such strong smells coming from all the food that it was making me more and more queasy! I had to eat to avoid getting sick. I felt like I couldn't escape it! I have also noticed my palate changing. Snacks and meals that I used to want all the time, I don't anymore! When I'm hungry for a snack, now I look at my fridge and pantry and just think there's nothing here that I want! But I don't know what I want. I just know what I don't want. And I don't want the snacks currently in my house. I also don't want raw beef around. During my first pregnancy, I turned off to ground beef, in it's raw form and overcooked. Well, the other day I walked into the kitchen while I was cooking some ground beef on the stove, and my nose immediately turned up and I thought, "eww, what is that smell?!" It didn't take long for that aversion to come back! I'm hoping that the level of queasiness I have now is what will remain for the first trimester...or nothing! It's very manageable. I remember having just a mild, manageable nausea the last time, though I thought it was a little bit worse than this. If it stays like this, I will definitely be happy!

One thing I'm not happy about...well, I'm not unhappy. It's just annoying. I already used to pee a lot. But geez louise, I can't stop peeing now! Even though the nugget's not big enough to put pressure on my bladder yet, the increased blood flow to the pelvic area triggers the need to urinate more frequently, per my pregnancy book. I was definitely aware of that last night when I was trying to sleep! I lost track of how many times I woke up desperately needing to pee. And it's not like it was a little tinkle each time. You would think I had been guzzling liquids in my sleep! I remember with my first pregnancy waking up constantly to pee. Well, I guess that's starting early this time!

The most obvious symptom I have had all week, though, which brought me the most comfort and reassurance as well, was the obvious changes to my uterus. I could feel it about 75% of the time. There was almost always some mild cramping and occasional twinges from the uterine ligaments. I even had a painful sneeze, and my first day exercising again left my abdomen feeling a bit funny too. I can definitely see why you can't do as much high impact exercising. Those uterine ligaments do not like being juggled around! My pregnancy book says "The cramping is caused by the hormonal changes of early pregnancy and your body's response to the stretching of the uterine muscle." Well, it's obvious to me...obvious enough that sometimes I think to myself "What is going on in there already?!" It's made me take to thinking of the embryo as a little nugget already, and that's how I refer to it to myself. "What are you doing in there already, little nugget?! Because it feels like there's an awful lot going on!" Well, what is going on in there? I looked it up. Originally I thought I was considered Week 4: "Amniotic fluid is now being produced and the fetus's eyes have started to develop. By the end of the week, the umbilical cord will have started to form." But it turns out I'm actually Week 5: "The hands have started to appear and major organs are now being formed. The embryo is now the size of an apple seed." It's amazing to me to think that 2 1/2 weeks ago, the embryo was so small it could only be seen microscopically by the specialist who prepared it for transfer and handed it to the doctor who implanted it into my uterus, and now it's already the size of an apple seed! There really is a lot going on in there!

Sometimes when I think about it, I can't believe I'm really pregnant! I mean, I knew this was going to happen. It was certainly the goal at least! But I guess the longer it took to happen, the more I wondered if it really would. There also seemed to be a part of me that, even though I knew this was what I wanted to do, had a harder time picturing it becoming reality. So sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant! I have always said that I'm not concerned at all about handing the baby over, and I'm not! It's very simple for me. It's not my biological child. It's the nugget, but it's not my nugget. It's their nugget. And I feel so honored to be able to do this for my IPs. There is something I'm a bit more concerned about now though. I saw a newborn photo of my daughter the other day, and I thought to myself, I want a baby again! Imagine how I'm going to feel after I've carried a baby for 9 months and given birth to one. I can't wait to see the looks on my IPs faces when their baby is placed in their arms, but I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit more anxious to have another one of my own again. Well I'm going to have to get over that! Because it is certainly not the time yet! So fortunately, I will have 2 big birthdays to worry about during that time, and I plan to recruit lots of distractions! And to be honest, one thing I am looking forward to...I'm happy that I won't have to take care of a newborn at the same time as recovering from labor and delivery, because that wasn't fun the first time around. So I'll get to just relax and sleep this time. Remembering what my labor and delivery was like last time, I'm already looking forward to the extra sleep! Haha

I can tell as well that I'm going to have a lot of fun with this pregnancy. The conversations will go like this: "I'm pregnant, but it's not mine." Cue the reactions! I already accidentally had an interaction like this. I went to my dentist the other day, and I informed my hygienist about the pregnancy, as a surrogate, because of the xrays. She informed my dentist about my pregnancy, but not the part about being a surrogate. I did not know this, so when he came in and congratulated me, I said, as I always do, "Thank you! It's not mine, but it's exciting!" He continued about his business and a few minutes later backtracks and says "Wait, what?! Did you say it's not yours?!" hahaha So I explained and then we discussed it. I'm sure it's going to be entertaining, though it may get old eventually over the next 9 months.

One reaction I am getting from people is something that surprises me, though probably more than it should. Well, for one, my dentist commented on what a big responsibility what I'm doing is. Funny enough, it doesn't feel like it to me. I mean, I recognize that it is. But to me, you just need to make sure you take good care of yourself. I do that already! So it's not like it's an extra responsiblity. It's an extra sacrifice for me with the things I can't eat, some of my favorite foods, and I get to go through labor and delivery, woohoo! But it doesn't feel like an extra responsibility. It feels like something that can easily fit into my life.

I have also gotten, basically, that I can't live anymore. Some people treat me like I'm fragile and breakable, or like I can't do anything anymore! Running to get me a drink so that I don't have to get up...pregnant women work out too, let alone get up to get themselves food and drink! What about running errands, taking care of a household, etc. etc. Being pregnant doesn't make you an invalid. I completely understand the concern and consideration, and for that I'm grateful. But I also kind of don't like being treated like I can't do anything anymore. Speaking of which, I have also been told that I can't do anything that in any way poses any potential risk to me and the baby because I'm responsible for someone else's baby inside me, i.e. I can't even fly on an airplane, which is the example that was given. That one shocked me. Why? Because there's a risk! Sure, there's a very very minimal risk that something can happen. I mean, besides the fact that I don't have any traveling plans anyway, and I am even not allowed to leave the country, per our surrogacy contract, because I need to have access to US medical care, pregnant women are still allowed to travel up until the last month or two. The risks are very minimal. In fact, there is probably a higher risk simply from driving a car regularly. After all, flying is safer than driving. Regardless of either of those, a random freak accident could occur to me anywhere and in any way. There are always minimal risks. I can't sit around in my house all day every day avoiding all possible risks. No pregnant woman can! When I was pregnant with my daughter, when I was 4 months along, I flew to England for a 2 week vacation. We were just fine. Yeah, I need to take care of myself and be responsible for this life growing inside me. I can't go skydiving or even on a roller coaster. I can't eat sushi. And I can't live promiscuously. Though only one of those I really want to do and would do anyway in my normal non-pregnant life. (Note: it's the sushi! Sadly, my tummy doesn't agree with roller coasters anymore.) Being pregnant, and being pregnant with someone else's baby, doesn't incapacitate me and doesn't forbid me from living my life, as long as it's not a high risk life. Trust me, I take good care of myself, my family and now this little nugget. I'm not going to put it in danger, and it's my hope that it will be born even healthier due to some of my lifestyle choices. So please don't treat me like my life is over for the next 9 months. I'm still happily living my life with the joy of growing a living being at the same time. It's really not that much of a difference.

So Far So Good...with a Hitch

My follow-up blood test was today, and we got good news! A year ago, the news was different. The HCG is supposed to double and continue to increase at a certain pace, but it wasn't. This was an indicator of the implantation error that would cause me to miscarry last October. But today, the HCG was right where they want it to be! So everything looks good and is progressing as normal. My first ultrasound is next Friday, a week from today, along with additional bloodwork, to again confirm that everything is progressing as normal. After that, I will have another ultrasound on Oct 7th for the first view of the heartbeat :-). Exciting!

Now, the hitch...I had already noticed that my soreness from the progesterone injections has changed. It was originally more of a strong muscle soreness, but now it's changed to be more of a soreness of the nerves on the sides of my bum. If I rub my skin, it activates the pain receptors in those nerves so it's painful just to the touch. Fortunately it's not so painful I can't stand it. It doesn't even cause me to say ouch. But it's enough to get old when it's a constant thing. I recall from the past that it lasts for a while after the injections stop as well. But last night there was the addition of something new. When I did my injection on my left side, I must have hit a nerve as well, because I felt a line go down the side of my bum. It's still there too. If I move certain ways, or when I'm sitting, leaning forward, I can feel that line. It's difficult to describe. It doesn't hurt. It's just a sensation that is annoying and slightly concerning since I wonder how long that's going to last. But it feels like there is something in there, about 4 inches long, narrow and in a direct line from the point where I injected the needle down and inward toward the interior of the body. So we'll see how long this lasts now! It's all worth it though. 

Some people have asked me how far along I would be considered and when my due date is. I don't know yet. I believe that the beginning of September would be considered the beginning of the first month, since the transfer was Sept 11th. So I believe I would now be considered at Week 3, and I believe my due date will be mid-June, probably around the same time as my daughter's birthday. Speaking of my daughter, I will not be telling her until we're at least into the second trimester and I'm showing. I've been told that there are books I can get to help explain it, so I'll be looking into those soon. Lots of exciting happenings and changes around here! Thanks for following :-). More updates coming soon!

Am I or Aren't I?

It's been an interesting week since the embryo transfer. I hadn't been able to decide if I thought I was pregnant or not. The first try, a year ago almost to the day, I just knew that I was. There was no doubt in my mind. And I was right! Sadly, it didn't end well. But I knew and I was confident in that at the time. The second try, in January, I swore I was pregnant and even associated symptoms to pregnancy, but then I was told that I was not pregnant. It literally came as a shock to me because I had convinced myself that I was. So this time, I think that I was afraid to believe that I was. I tried hard not to think about it too much, but when I did I focused on the positive. I did notice some symptoms that could be associated with pregnancy, but they could also be explained away. So I just tried not to think about it too much. I fretted that the pregnancy test was too soon this time and that it would come back negative because it was too soon, and what if I am in fact pregnant. I even asked my IVF nurse again..."Are you sure it's okay to take the test after only a week? If I am, how can you possibly tell already?!" It was hard for me, and since my fears were blocking me, I couldn't get a good read on what my gut was telling me. I did notice the cramping a day after transfer, and wondered if that was implantation. I had a strange evening where I felt slightly dizzy for most of the night, and that is definitely odd for me. I noticed the slight spotting that could indicate implantation as well. My IVF nurse pointed out that that's an excellent sign. So she probably wasn't surprised when she got the results. I could tell in her voice when I answered the phone. She didn't even have to say "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" because it was written all over her voice. You know how they say you can tell when someone's smiling, even through the phone? 

On a side note, I love my IVF nurse! She has been working with me since the first try, and she's always so helpful and friendly! She answers all my questions, and I feel like I sometimes have more than most people. I will send her long lists of ingredients in different items and ask her to check if they are safe for pregnancy, and she always answers me on every single one! She's such a pleasure to work with, and I think she appreciates me, and my on-the-ball-ness too! Just had to give her a quick shout out, haha.

So yes, I knew immediately when I answered the phone. She also told me that when she spoke with the intended father a few minutes before me, she even got some emotion out of him and he made a joke. We were both so happy! I have said once before, the intended father is very reserved with his emotions, whereas the intended mom is very expressive. So I was thrilled when she said she got some emotion from him when she told him I'm pregnant. She also explained to me that my HCG level is great. My test was originally supposed to be today, Thursday, with a followup 2 days later on Saturday. But my monitoring center down here is not open on Saturday, so they decided to move up the test 1 day to Wednesday with the followup Friday. She said that for the original day, Thursday, they would have been looking for the HCG in a range of 40-60. My test, on Wednesday, showed a level of 68! That's awesome! That gives me so much more confidence in this pregnancy. If you recall, the first try, we suffered from implantation failure. They were able to tell because the second test, two days later, the HCG did not increase as much as it's supposed to, which indicates that it did not implant well and it's not generating enough HCG so it's failing. Well, the fact that my first HCG level is already higher than the range they were looking for gives us more confidence that everything is going as it should be, and it will continue to do so. Of course, I did have a fleeting thought of that we're not out of the woods. We have 9 months to go, after all! Anything could happen in all that time. So we will say our prayers every day up until the end. But this is a good start. So let's focus on that!

One more thing I wanted to mention...one more thing I had noticed and that I noticed even more strongly last night...I'm very aware of my uterus, lol. I know that sounds funny! Let me explain. For one thing, I'm a dancer and I'm very in tune with my body. Even before my first pregnancy, I always remembered a friend who was also a dancer describing to me that she thought she was pregnant because she could feel her insides kind of rearranging to prepare to grow a baby. To me that's the same as me saying I'm very aware of my uterus. With my first pregnancy with my daughter, it was further along in the 2nd trimester when I became aware of what I'm talking about. I can't explain how I know it's my uterus I feel, or the mild uterine contractions, movement, or whatever it is, as it slowly starts changing, preparing to grow this baby, but I know it. I can tell! During my first pregnancy I described it as feeling like there is a bubble inside me, and I'm just aware of it sooner now. I do remember noticing it from the first try too, when I was pregnant for a few weeks. Well, yes, I can feel it again. It brings me comfort. I'm always aware of it and looking for that feeling. I'm happy to know it's there! I'm thrilled to be able to carry this baby for my intended parents. I'm excited just to experience pregnancy again. I had such a great first pregnancy. Hopefully this one will be the same! I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you all. Cheers!

It's that Time Again!

Yes, it's been 7 long months, but it's that time again!

I would have written sooner about the impending date, but I wasn't feeling inspired. But once I got back into the routine with the medications, it all started coming to me.

Let's go back a bit first...a lot has happened in those 7 months, kind of. Well, we had to pause because my IPs had run out of embryos, and they needed to make more. The mom went through the difficult egg retrieval process, and in May, they had embryos and we thought we'd be scheduling another transfer for June. Sadly, that did not come to pass. When they tested the embryos, it turned out they weren't viable. So they were back to square one. I can't imagine how gut wrenching that is. They were faced with trying again with the mom's eggs or getting an egg donor. The decision was made, out of concern for the mom's health because it is in fact a difficult process, to go with an egg donor. She told me today that she's angry with her ovaries. That really made me think. I mean, when I found out, I thought that was sad and frustrating, but I didn't really put myself in her shoes. When she told me that, it made me put myself in her shoes. It's got to be really hard going through this IVF process anyway, and then to add to it that your ovaries aren't cooperating and you must use an egg donor just makes it even more difficult and emotionally taxing. I wish that was something I could fix for her too.

So, in June they started on the task of securing an egg donor. I had to fill out some information with an egg donor bank, and then just kept waiting. In July, we had to renew our contract since a year had passed, though that was quick and easy. Finally, in August, I got the message that we were ready to move forward. I coordinated the timing of the medications with my IVF nurse (they needed to be timed with my cycle), and by the second week or so I had started my medications again.

Now, something else happened in those 7 months. I lost 18 pounds! Woohoo! I thought, great, I can start a pregnancy in the best shape I've been in since my early 20s, and I can maintain a fit and healthy pregnancy. But I think that weight loss may have affected this in other ways I wasn't expecting. I started with the Lupron injection in my abdomen on August 13th. In the past, these injections have never bothered me. This time was different. Three quarters of the time they didn't bother me, but there was that last quarter that they really hurt a lot! I don't really understand what the difference was. It was even the right side and not the left side (because you alternate which side you inject on each night). I don't know if less belly fat could have something to do with it or not, but I was definitely feeling the difference!

One more thing that happened in the past 7 months...I moved! So I had to decide whether to keep going to my previous local monitoring center or see about changing to one closer to me. The old one would have been about 20-30 minutes away, but I was able to find a closer one only 5 minutes away. So I thought the decision was easy! Little did I know that this one wouldn't be as accommodating with the appointments. My old one could see me anytime in the morning, and I usually went around 11am. But this new one required me to see the doctor and not just an ultrasound technician, so I had to work around the doctor's schedule, which meant that my monitoring appointments had to be at 7am. In fact, the first one I had to be there at 6:45am. Not being a morning person and also having to drag my 4 year old with me at that hour, I was seriously considering switching back. But I decided to just make it work. I had my first monitoring appointment on August 20th and then started my estrace pills after that.

The purpose of the medications is to basically shut off my reproductive system. They don't want my body releasing eggs when it's supposed to be receiving someone else's embryo. So they use the medications to turn off my system and control the conditions in my uterine environment, and then other medications, like the progesterone, are added to support a pregnancy if the transfer is successful until the pregnancy is far enough along that the placenta is producing enough progesterone to support the pregnancy on its own. And then it's a normal pregnancy. The monitoring appointments before the transfer are meant to take frequent observations of my uterine environment and make sure my body is cooperating and is ready for transfer. They take blood to check the levels of estrogen and other hormones in my body, and they do an ultrasound to check the lining of my uterus and make sure my ovaries are not getting ready to release an egg. I have 2 monitoring appointments before the transfer. Then, 5 days before the transfer I switch up the medications a bit. I always stay on the estrace, but we add an antibiotic and Medrol, and I switch from the Lupron injections to progesterone injections. I think the purpose of the antibiotic is to rid my body of any infections at transfer time. I don't remember what the purpose of the Medrol is, but I can tell you one thing, it tastes HORRIBLE! I don't remember having a problem with it in the past, but this time, I'm really struggling with it. The first night I had to take it, the pill didn't go down right away, which happens sometimes. But it left this ridiculously bitter aftertaste in my mouth that didn't go away for hours! I was eating and drinking whatever I could to get rid of it but it wouldn't go. It was even still there the next morning! It was horrible. So the next day, I got the bright idea to drop it into a drink and immediately drink it. BUT, the pill got stuck at the bottom of the glass. So I ended up drinking a lot of Medrol flavored liquid and eventually the semi-dissolved pill. The result wasn't quite as bad as the previous night, but it was still bad, nonetheless. So 3rd time was the charm. The way I figured out to swallow this pill without getting any of that bitter taste stuck in my mouth, is to pour a liquid into a spoon, drop the pill on and immediately swallow it. It doesn't get stuck, and it doesn't have to sit in my mouth for any period of time, and it doesn't have time to start dissolving in the liquid. Thank goodness that was solved!

Next quandary...the progesterone injections. There are two types of progesterone, that I know of. One is in ethyl oleate, and the other is in sesame oil. For my very first transfer, I started with the ethyl oleate. The injections themselves weren't bad, but the progesterone going into the muscle made the muscle very sore. But with the ethyl oleate, it was so sore that literally just a minor touch was extremely painful. So you can imagine, with a 3 year old bouncing off me, there were some painful cries. Without me even asking, they ended up switching me to the one in sesame oil. Now this one is thicker and harder to inject. It actually gives me thumb cramps injecting it, BUT, the soreness wasn't even close to as bad. There was still some, but barely anything compared to the ethyl oleate. 

I have never been switched back to the ethyl oleate. So, starting the progesterone again, knowing it was the sesame oil, I didn't expect to have any problems. Now, mind you, to me, the progesterone injections are the worst part anyway. They're the most difficult, cause soreness and you have to do them for a while; until the pregnancy is 8 or 9 weeks. I actually think I will prefer the labor and delivery to the progesterone simply because the injections last so long with the side effects they have. So I already wasn't exactly looking forward to them, but I didn't expect to have any problems since the sesame oil was a relief last time when I switched. Nope. Not the case this time. Again, I don't know if it has to do with losing the weight, but I definitely felt them this time, and still do. The injections themselves hurt a small amount, though not enough for me to complain about. But the soreness was immediate and significant. I thought perhaps as well there was enough progesterone built up in my system last time that that's why I didn't notice a difference for the second try. But this time there was plenty of time for it to clear so it's completely starting fresh again. My muscles had gone completely back to normal, so the reintroduction of the progesterone made the soreness worse this time than previously. Sometimes just getting up causes me to pause. It's regular and constant. It hasn't stopped me from working out and going about my days as normal. But I do feel it constantly. 

All of those things are worth it though. Because hopefully, today, we have created a pregnancy.

As usual, I had to be at the clinic at 6am for bloodwork and ultrasound. Normally I arrange transportation from my hotel to the clinic. But this time, when I mapped it, it literally said the hotel was 19 seconds from the clinic. They were practically next door to each other! Only separated by a couple office buildings and some wooded areas. I knew that walking it wouldn't be 19 seconds, but I couldn't rationalize hiring a driver for 19 seconds. Fortunately, when I arrived yesterday, I had some time to kill, so I walked it then to make sure I knew where I was going in the morning. For those of you in a place like South Florida, this may sound odd to you. It's just down the street! Isn't it obvious?! Well, this isn't South Florida. This is Basking Ridge, New Jersey, in the wooded hills. It's not obvious. It was easy to figure it out yesterday evening, and on the way back, I even saw a mama and baby deer eating and drinking in a small creek that the road passed over! However, this morning, when I realized that the road had no street lights and it was pitch black, I was questioning that decision to walk! I'm very glad that I walked it the night before. Only a small portion of it I had to stay on the dark road. Once I reached the office buildings I could walk through their lit parking lots, and didn't have a problem anymore. But there was a brief period of time I was concerned about encountering a wild animal or a serial killer in the pitch black. I'm not ashamed to say I did some praying! But I did think to myself, it's highly unlikely a serial killer was hanging out there waiting for someone to come walking along, because who else would be walking along there at that hour! 

I obviously made it safely. I had my monitoring done, and then immediately went downstairs for transfer. This is different because in the past it has been a frozen embryo transfer, so it's been in the afternoon. But today was a live embryo due to the egg donation, so it was first thing in the morning. And boy did they move that along fast too! I expected to have to wait a little bit, at least while I drank my water. Nope. I was halfway through my apple when they took me back. I still hadn't finished it when the technician came to give me the laser acupuncture (this increases the chances of a successful implantation). Then I was given my 2 cups of water to drink, which I downed in about 10-15 minutes. They require the water because when the bladder fills up, it pushes the uterus into a better position for the transfer. It's easier for the doctor to insert the catheter directly into the uterus this way. Otherwise there is a bend that is harder to get around. Again, I don't know if it's because I lost weight, but holding my bladder was much harder this time! I didn't have this much trouble in the past! After the transfer I had to lay there for 15 minutes before I could get up. I was literally counting down the minutes painfully waiting until I could carefully rush to the bathroom! 

The transfer seemed to go very well though. I don't know why it seemed different this time. I can't explain it. Maybe it was the doctor's disposition. He was a little bit slower and seemed like he took extra precautions to make sure it went the best it possibly could. But I felt really good about it. He said the embryo was beautiful, and they also froze another one for later if necessary. The transfer itself is not painful at all. It feels like a Pap Smear but instead of taking a sample of my vaginal wall, they're sticking a catheter up there and dropping off a microscopic particle in there. It's quick and easy too. You spend the majority of the time waiting before and after the procedure than you do doing the procedure. Afterwards, the technician immediately came in for the post-procedure laser acupuncture, I waited until we were given the clear to leave, and then we were done!

I did learn some new things from the nurse at the end. She said that it's actually worse to stay on bedrest for the day or two after. It's better to move around a little bit. Not a lot. They don't want you doing any aerobic activities. But they don't want you laying around the whole time either. She also said that a study done by another organization has now proven that laughter helps increase the chances of success. So I've spent a good portion of the day today watching old Friends episodes! I did have some mild cramping earlier this evening. I remember from the first try I had some cramping in the hotel, and I thought then that it was the implantation. I did turn out to be pregnant that time, even though it was implantation failure and resulted in a miscarriage. Perhaps the cramping I felt this time around was implantation as well. One can only hope!

So now the waiting game begins until Pregnancy Test Day! The test will be next Thursday, the 19th. So it's not too long, but will probaby be nervewracking nonetheless. During that time my orders are strict: Avoid dehydration or overheating, No aerobic activitiy of any kind, No sexual activity, No smoking, No alcohol, No caffeine, and only medications specifically cleared by my IVF nurse. I will continue the estrace and progesterone injections though. Hopefully, I will be continuing them long after that as well! Wish us luck! 

*Note: Considering this post turned out a lot longer than I anticipated, thank you for caring and reading! I guess after such a long wait, I had more to say than I realized! Much love to everyone, and positive vibes all around!

Jessica

Fingers Crossed!

Fingers crossed that in about a month I will be jabbing needles in myself again! I know, it's a strange wish. But it would mean that a few weeks after that, I'll be receiving an embryo via catheter in my uterus in the hopes that I'll be carrying a baby for an amazing couple that I'm honored to help have another baby.

I wasn't going to make a grand announcement that they have more embryos now, and we'll be able to try again, hopefully soon. But I came across this article, and it inspired me to write a new blog post.

Her Body, My Baby was written by an intended mother about her journey through infertility and having a baby via gestational surrogate, such as myself.

For those of you who have asked me why I chose to make this journey, this article is an excellent example of why. It was a similar article that I read back in 2010 that not only inspired me but made me decide then and there that I wanted to carry a baby for someone else. This article, however, is longer and more thorough as far as all the ins and outs go. It itemizes details of the process that I did not know until I was in it. This intended mother also happened to use the same lawyer who owns the agency me and my intended parents are using, so many of the details are very close to my own, though through the perspective of the biological mother. If you're really interested in sharing this journey with me and learning more, I highly recommend reading the whole thing. I wanted to touch on a small bit of it here as well.

It may have made me a little teary at times, and that emotion is why I chose to do this. Hearing her recount her 11 failed IVF attempts plus 4 failed pregnancies made my heart ache for her too. I'm so glad I already knew she got her happy ending! Infertility is a difficult thing. It's something that can be absolutely devastating. It's not just a medical issue. It affects your whole self and your whole life. It is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to help another family this way. In this article, the gestational surrogate is a woman named Cathy, and Alex is the intended mother (aka biological mother). Alex writes that Cathy "liked being the person who was known to everyone as a giver, a fulfiller of dreams." That's me! I completely identified with this statement. My life, particularly once I became a mother, has been defined by how I can help the people around me. I've made huge sacrifices for the people I love, and being a giver, a fulfiller of dreams, is exactly how I intend to live the rest of my life. Right now, this is one of the ways I'm doing that, and it fills my heart to be able to do so.

I did have a laugh when Alex recounted the birth. 

"Birth is not a tidy business. As Cathy went into labor, my husband stood respectfully by her head to avoid being on the more visceral end of things. I found my son’s birth to be a terrifying event. When the baby crowned and the top of his skull appeared, my brain did back-flips. There was the mind-bending philosophical weirdness of it all: there is our baby — coming out of her body. And then there was the physicality of it: the torture of childbirth, of being split open, of having your body turned, it seemed, inside out to produce this giant, beautiful baby. Cathy vomited; I vomited."

Actually, I had quite a good laugh. This description is so horrifying! I did not find the birth of my own daughter nearly so scary. Of course, I didn't have to watch it happen. So maybe we should be asking my mom this question! But I did go through 30 hours of natural labor, 6 hours of labor under epidural and then 45 minutes of delivery. It's all mental. At least for me. Admittedly, the crowning was the hardest part. Plus, Cathy had a 10 pound baby for Alex and her husband. Mine was 7 pounds. Ten pounds does NOT sound like fun! I will admit, I hope this baby, assuming we are successful eventually, is smaller. Either way, I'm in.

I will admit, when Alex writes that Cathy's labor started on Wednesday and, I believe, culminated on Friday, I did think, "Damn! I was hoping for a shorter labor timeframe!" I thought that with subsequent pregnancies the length of time of labor decreases. I believe it does for some. Perhaps not for all. It'd be awesome if that 30 hours of labor came down a bit. But I did it once, I can do it again. In fact, I recall thinking right after I gave birth to my daughter that it wasn't that bad and I could do it again. I don't know if my mom can do it again though...that is, watch me give birth again. She was even giving me anxiety! Perhaps I'll do it alone this time, or with my IPs. I'm doing the rest of it alone. I'm injecting myself abdominally and gluteally (is that a word? Well, it is now!) alone, which impressed my nurses at the clinic! I'm making the trips alone, getting the transfer alone, and going through the disappointments alone. Then again, I'm also raising two children alone, one of whom is almost like I adopted myself. Perhaps the journey of my life that built me into the woman I am, prepared me to be able to do this (as well as many other things, honestly). Do I want to do it alone? No. And I'm not refusing companions. Living is much more fun when you have someone by your side! But I'm strong enough to do this, and I'm thrilled to be able to. I consider this a great way to live, in fact.

Several people have asked me why I chose to do this right after getting divorced because it doesn't lend itself to dating and it doesn't seem like the right time. I've even been asked if I'm really putting my life on hold?! But I'm not putting my life on hold! I'm living my life, perhaps better than I ever have before! I simply am being a foster womb at the same time. That means taking good care of myself. That doesn't mean I can't live. All that I ask of the people who come into my life is acceptance and support. I was told, that's a tall order expecting someone new to be okay with that. But to me, if you don't accept that and you don't support that, then move along. If being married and divorced by the age of 30 taught me one thing, it taught me not to lose myself again as well as how I deserve to be treated and how I don't deserve to be treated. Thank you my lovely ex-husband (please note the sarcasm), for my beautiful daughters and for showing me, inadvertently, how to live a life to be proud of. Incidentally, his opinion of me being a surrogate is that I'm disgusting and a horrible role model for our daughter. I couldn't disagree more! I think showing her what you can do for other people is a beautiful thing. So if I have to do it alone, I will. 

Who's to say when a good time is? If you try to wait for a perfect time, it will never come. I could wait until I'm settled again, but then I would hopefully be having more babies of my own with a wonderful man who deserves me. So waiting for the right time could be a pretty long wait. I don't want to wait 5-10 years to do this for someone. I don't want to wait 5-10 years to put a gentle, sweet miracle baby in someone else's arms. To give them the gift of boo boo kisses, picnics and tea parties, bath time giggles, bedtime Mary Poppins' lullabies, and so much more. This isn't putting my life on hold. This is a miracle that makes my life worth living (on top of all the other wonderful things in my life), that brings meaning to my life, and that hopefully inspires the people around me to also be givers and fulfillers of dreams, in their own ways.

This is not something that everyone could do. But it's part of what defines who I am, and who Cathy is. I'm thankful to have been able to share in Cathy and Alex's journey through this article, and I hope that some of you are thankful to share in mine through this blog. I'm excited to be able to try again for my IPs soon, and hopefully the third time will be a charm. Fingers crossed!

Round 2 No Go, Back to Your Corners for Round 3

Here we are, nearly to the end of February, and I broke my promise to update you all weeks ago. Well, a lot has happened...

At the beginning of January I started my medications again. Lupron injections nightly for 18 days (that's the half inch needle in my abdomen). Estrogen pills started mid-month. I was able to fit in my 30th Birthday Celebration weekend before switching to progesterone injections a week before the IVF transfer (the inch and a half needle in my bum; well, the upper outer part of my bum). The Lupron injections really aren't that bad. The first one I didn't even feel! The progesterone ones weren't too bad this time either. The last time, they started me on one type of progesterone and then switched me to another. That other type, ethyl oleate, is actually pretty painful. The injection itself isn't, but it makes the muscle extremely sore. I'd scream if Victoria accidentally hit me in that spot. But the new version is in sesame oil, and it doesn't hurt nearly as much. More like a slightly sore muscle from a workout. It is harder to inject because it's very thick, but if I let it sit under hot water for 5 minutes first, it's not too bad. The nurse at the clinic was surprised that I'm doing the injections myself, even on the left side. But I've got the hang of it down. It's no problem. The only other downside is that now, one side where the injections were is still having odd nerve sensations. I remember it did this last time as well, but it stopped after a month or so. So hopefully it'll stop again this time. The week of the transfer also includes a bunch of other medications as well that are all supposed to be taken at different times of the day and with and without food. I'm always very glad I only have to take those for 1 week. The last time, the doxycycline caused extreme nausea, so I take it with a small something to prevent the nausea but still let it be effective. Then after the procedures, continuous estrogen pills and progesterone injections daily unless told otherwise.

I flew up to New Jersey for the procedure on Friday, January 25th. It ended up being a very interesting trip. I almost didn't make it! My flight from Fort Lauderdale to Charlotte, North Carolina, was fine. But Charlotte was having a front move through that brought sleet. I thought I'd heard something about some flights being cancelled before boarding my plane. After all the passengers were on board, the pilot came on to say that they did not know if we'd be able to leave at all now, and we had to wait to see what the storm was going to do. At this point I'm starting to brainstorm how I can make sure I make it to New Jersey or what the worst case scenario would be. I was hoping that if that flight was cancelled there would be other flights, perhaps, that could get me there, even if it was going to be really late. I also figured that the worst case scenario would be that I don't make it and we have to do the procedure on Monday instead of Saturday, and I'd be delayed returning home. Fortunately, after about half an hour, we were cleared to leave, we just had to be de-iced first. We left the gate and pulled into line for de-icing, and I believe we were 4th in line. About 45 minutes later, we became 3rd in line! The de-icing was taking forever. Of course, I'm all for them doing whatever they have to do to make sure we can fly safely. So we continued to wait. Eventually, we were finally able to take off. I think we took off around the time that we would have been landing in New Jersey, had the plane left when it was supposed to. I was originally supposed to land in New Jersey around 5pm, but because of the delays, it ended up being about 7:15pm or so. Then after waiting for my car service, and standing in the snow and cold winter air for about half an hour, I finally left the airport to head to my hotel. Of course, my IPs were set to meet me at my hotel at 8pm to go out to dinner. But I was running late, just like the last trip, due to delays, so I always get to eat with them later in the evening the night before the transfer. They know that sushi is my favorite, so they always take me to a local sushi restaurant for my last meal before hopefully becoming pregnant. We had a great meal, enjoyed the snow, and got to talking. I did not know until that night that this was their last embryo, and that if it did not work, they would have to talk about whether or not to continue trying because it's a lot on my IP mom's body to go through the egg retrieval process. So we went into the procedure Saturday really crossing our fingers for the best results. They brought me back to the hotel, and since this was one of only a handful of times I saw snow, I couldn't resist going outside to snap some photos and play with it a bit. I didn't really know how soft it is right after it falls! Or how quickly it would make my bare fingers painfully numb! That's okay though. I enjoyed it. This one is my favorite photos I took because I loved how the snow sparkled in the light.

Saturday morning, I had to be at the clinic about 6am for my last monitoring appointment, which consisted of bloodwork and ultrasound, to make 100% sure my body was ready for the transfer. On my last trip, I had problems arranging cabs for this. I had ended up with a cab to the clinic, but having to walk back to the hotel afterward. I didn't mind at the time because it was less than a mile and it was beautiful outside. However, this time, it was 8 degrees. So I minded! I arranged a car service in advance so that I wouldn't have to worry about that problem this time around. The clinic is also in a different location now, so I didn't even know the way if I wanted to walk it. So I woke at 5:30am and headed over there. It was good thing that I got some advice from my facebook friends on how to dress for that weather! This Florida girl was a bit worried! But I got the layering down and didn't have a problem staying warm. I got the go ahead at the clinic, they sent me back to the hotel with a progesterone suppository, and I went back to sleep until later that morning when they asked me to arrive at the clinic about 12pm or so. My IP mom picked me up a little bit early and we had lunch before heading over there. The new clinic had private suites for us, so we could get comfy and relax. The old clinic had the "rooms" separated by curtains, and they wheeled you into a special procedure room for the actual transfer. Here, the doctors and staff came to you in your private suite to do the procedure. We also did the laser acupuncture again. They do this before and after the procedure, and it is proven to increase your chances of success by, I believe, 5 percent. Before the transfer, I had to drink about 2-3 8oz cups of water so that my bladder would be full, because this pushes my uterus into the best position for the transfer. The best way I can explain it, which won't make much sense without being able to see the visual on the ultrasound screen, is that the doctor can go straight into the uterus rather than having to make a turn into the uterus. I know, sounds funny, but that's how it was explained to me. Everything went really well. It looked like he got the catheter and embryo in there pretty deep. My IP mom and I hugged and hoped for the best.

I flew back Sunday, the following day, and had a normal week. I had arranged for a massage at Charlotte airport in between my connections because that also helps increase blood flow to the uterus and therefore increase the chances of achieving pregnancy. But that week, I really didn't feel much different until the Friday. I had trouble reading my gut instinct this time, whereas last time I pretty much knew. On the Friday, I started to feel changes in my body that I thought were telling me I was pregnant. I became convinced that weekend that it was a success again. I even had sore breasts, and I have only ever had sore breasts when I was pregnant. I truly thought all signs were pointing to pregnancy. So I was really shocked that following Monday when I had the blood test and they called me to tell me that it was negative. There was no doubt. I was NOT pregnant. They told me to stop my medication and let my nurse know when I got my period. I can only assume that the estrogen and progesterone contributed to the symptoms I was having, and perhaps my mind just wanting to see what wasn't there. I was devastated. I really thought that I was, and now not only was I not pregnant, but I thought that we wouldn't be trying again. I have really formed a bond with my IP mom. I love her, and I even feel protective of her, and I really really really want to be able to carry a baby for her. And I was so sad to think that I wouldn't be able to. As per usual for me and all the craziness my life can be sometimes, after about a day or so, I accepted it and was fine and carrying on with life. I sent my IP mom an email saying how sorry I was to hear the news. I didn't want to push, though, to find out what their decision would be, though I wasn't confident they'd decide to try again. I was going to wait a couple weeks and then ask them. But later on in the week, I heard from my nurse, and she said something that made me think we would in fact be trying again. I asked her about it, and she told me that my IPs were speaking to their doctor about making more embryos and trying again. So I felt better after that. And I've since heard that it will be a bit of a wait because of the egg retrieval process and other things that they need to do, so we're looking at probably in another 6 months or so, trying again. I do wish that it wasn't so long, but it does give me time to accommodate some things in my life, so I'm sure it will all work out for the best.

I really felt such a relief to know that we'd be trying again. I was starting to question if this is still the right time for me to do this. But I want to, so badly, especially for my current IPs. I couldn't imagine starting over with new IPs, from how long it would take, to simply that I've formed relationships with my current ones, and it felt like a bad breakup to consider someone else now. I wasn't ready for that yet. And I was so disappointed that it hadn't worked out for them. I am fully aware that it may still not. But I'm praying that it will. I think it helps and provides some hope that both tries so far have not been negative. This time was negative. But last time was positive. It did achieve pregnancy. It was very sad that I ended up miscarrying due to implantation failure. But it did achieve pregnancy. So maybe, 3rd time's a charm!

So hopefully I'll be stopping by sooner rather than later with more news. In the meantime, I'm going to be busy buying a new house and moving! I'm actually kind of glad that I can paint without worrying about the fumes. And then we can start from scratch again with the medications and another try. Aside from this disappointment, 2013 has been great so far. Hope it stays that way and is for all of you too!
Much love, Jessica