At the beginning of January I started my medications again. Lupron injections nightly for 18 days (that's the half inch needle in my abdomen). Estrogen pills started mid-month. I was able to fit in my 30th Birthday Celebration weekend before switching to progesterone injections a week before the IVF transfer (the inch and a half needle in my bum; well, the upper outer part of my bum). The Lupron injections really aren't that bad. The first one I didn't even feel! The progesterone ones weren't too bad this time either. The last time, they started me on one type of progesterone and then switched me to another. That other type, ethyl oleate, is actually pretty painful. The injection itself isn't, but it makes the muscle extremely sore. I'd scream if Victoria accidentally hit me in that spot. But the new version is in sesame oil, and it doesn't hurt nearly as much. More like a slightly sore muscle from a workout. It is harder to inject because it's very thick, but if I let it sit under hot water for 5 minutes first, it's not too bad. The nurse at the clinic was surprised that I'm doing the injections myself, even on the left side. But I've got the hang of it down. It's no problem. The only other downside is that now, one side where the injections were is still having odd nerve sensations. I remember it did this last time as well, but it stopped after a month or so. So hopefully it'll stop again this time. The week of the transfer also includes a bunch of other medications as well that are all supposed to be taken at different times of the day and with and without food. I'm always very glad I only have to take those for 1 week. The last time, the doxycycline caused extreme nausea, so I take it with a small something to prevent the nausea but still let it be effective. Then after the procedures, continuous estrogen pills and progesterone injections daily unless told otherwise.
I flew up to New Jersey for the procedure on Friday, January 25th. It ended up being a very interesting trip. I almost didn't make it! My flight from Fort Lauderdale to Charlotte, North Carolina, was fine. But Charlotte was having a front move through that brought sleet. I thought I'd heard something about some flights being cancelled before boarding my plane. After all the passengers were on board, the pilot came on to say that they did not know if we'd be able to leave at all now, and we had to wait to see what the storm was going to do. At this point I'm starting to brainstorm how I can make sure I make it to New Jersey or what the worst case scenario would be. I was hoping that if that flight was cancelled there would be other flights, perhaps, that could get me there, even if it was going to be really late. I also figured that the worst case scenario would be that I don't make it and we have to do the procedure on Monday instead of Saturday, and I'd be delayed returning home. Fortunately, after about half an hour, we were cleared to leave, we just had to be de-iced first. We left the gate and pulled into line for de-icing, and I believe we were 4th in line. About 45 minutes later, we became 3rd in line! The de-icing was taking forever. Of course, I'm all for them doing whatever they have to do to make sure we can fly safely. So we continued to wait. Eventually, we were finally able to take off. I think we took off around the time that we would have been landing in New Jersey, had the plane left when it was supposed to. I was originally supposed to land in New Jersey around 5pm, but because of the delays, it ended up being about 7:15pm or so. Then after waiting for my car service, and standing in the snow and cold winter air for about half an hour, I finally left the airport to head to my hotel. Of course, my IPs were set to meet me at my hotel at 8pm to go out to dinner. But I was running late, just like the last trip, due to delays, so I always get to eat with them later in the evening the night before the transfer. They know that sushi is my favorite, so they always take me to a local sushi restaurant for my last meal before hopefully becoming pregnant. We had a great meal, enjoyed the snow, and got to talking. I did not know until that night that this was their last embryo, and that if it did not work, they would have to talk about whether or not to continue trying because it's a lot on my IP mom's body to go through the egg retrieval process. So we went into the procedure Saturday really crossing our fingers for the best results. They brought me back to the hotel, and since this was one of only a handful of times I saw snow, I couldn't resist going outside to snap some photos and play with it a bit. I didn't really know how soft it is right after it falls! Or how quickly it would make my bare fingers painfully numb! That's okay though. I enjoyed it. This one is my favorite photos I took because I loved how the snow sparkled in the light.
Saturday morning, I had to be at the clinic about 6am for my last monitoring appointment, which consisted of bloodwork and ultrasound, to make 100% sure my body was ready for the transfer. On my last trip, I had problems arranging cabs for this. I had ended up with a cab to the clinic, but having to walk back to the hotel afterward. I didn't mind at the time because it was less than a mile and it was beautiful outside. However, this time, it was 8 degrees. So I minded! I arranged a car service in advance so that I wouldn't have to worry about that problem this time around. The clinic is also in a different location now, so I didn't even know the way if I wanted to walk it. So I woke at 5:30am and headed over there. It was good thing that I got some advice from my facebook friends on how to dress for that weather! This Florida girl was a bit worried! But I got the layering down and didn't have a problem staying warm. I got the go ahead at the clinic, they sent me back to the hotel with a progesterone suppository, and I went back to sleep until later that morning when they asked me to arrive at the clinic about 12pm or so. My IP mom picked me up a little bit early and we had lunch before heading over there. The new clinic had private suites for us, so we could get comfy and relax. The old clinic had the "rooms" separated by curtains, and they wheeled you into a special procedure room for the actual transfer. Here, the doctors and staff came to you in your private suite to do the procedure. We also did the laser acupuncture again. They do this before and after the procedure, and it is proven to increase your chances of success by, I believe, 5 percent. Before the transfer, I had to drink about 2-3 8oz cups of water so that my bladder would be full, because this pushes my uterus into the best position for the transfer. The best way I can explain it, which won't make much sense without being able to see the visual on the ultrasound screen, is that the doctor can go straight into the uterus rather than having to make a turn into the uterus. I know, sounds funny, but that's how it was explained to me. Everything went really well. It looked like he got the catheter and embryo in there pretty deep. My IP mom and I hugged and hoped for the best.
I flew back Sunday, the following day, and had a normal week. I had arranged for a massage at Charlotte airport in between my connections because that also helps increase blood flow to the uterus and therefore increase the chances of achieving pregnancy. But that week, I really didn't feel much different until the Friday. I had trouble reading my gut instinct this time, whereas last time I pretty much knew. On the Friday, I started to feel changes in my body that I thought were telling me I was pregnant. I became convinced that weekend that it was a success again. I even had sore breasts, and I have only ever had sore breasts when I was pregnant. I truly thought all signs were pointing to pregnancy. So I was really shocked that following Monday when I had the blood test and they called me to tell me that it was negative. There was no doubt. I was NOT pregnant. They told me to stop my medication and let my nurse know when I got my period. I can only assume that the estrogen and progesterone contributed to the symptoms I was having, and perhaps my mind just wanting to see what wasn't there. I was devastated. I really thought that I was, and now not only was I not pregnant, but I thought that we wouldn't be trying again. I have really formed a bond with my IP mom. I love her, and I even feel protective of her, and I really really really want to be able to carry a baby for her. And I was so sad to think that I wouldn't be able to. As per usual for me and all the craziness my life can be sometimes, after about a day or so, I accepted it and was fine and carrying on with life. I sent my IP mom an email saying how sorry I was to hear the news. I didn't want to push, though, to find out what their decision would be, though I wasn't confident they'd decide to try again. I was going to wait a couple weeks and then ask them. But later on in the week, I heard from my nurse, and she said something that made me think we would in fact be trying again. I asked her about it, and she told me that my IPs were speaking to their doctor about making more embryos and trying again. So I felt better after that. And I've since heard that it will be a bit of a wait because of the egg retrieval process and other things that they need to do, so we're looking at probably in another 6 months or so, trying again. I do wish that it wasn't so long, but it does give me time to accommodate some things in my life, so I'm sure it will all work out for the best.
I really felt such a relief to know that we'd be trying again. I was starting to question if this is still the right time for me to do this. But I want to, so badly, especially for my current IPs. I couldn't imagine starting over with new IPs, from how long it would take, to simply that I've formed relationships with my current ones, and it felt like a bad breakup to consider someone else now. I wasn't ready for that yet. And I was so disappointed that it hadn't worked out for them. I am fully aware that it may still not. But I'm praying that it will. I think it helps and provides some hope that both tries so far have not been negative. This time was negative. But last time was positive. It did achieve pregnancy. It was very sad that I ended up miscarrying due to implantation failure. But it did achieve pregnancy. So maybe, 3rd time's a charm!
So hopefully I'll be stopping by sooner rather than later with more news. In the meantime, I'm going to be busy buying a new house and moving! I'm actually kind of glad that I can paint without worrying about the fumes. And then we can start from scratch again with the medications and another try. Aside from this disappointment, 2013 has been great so far. Hope it stays that way and is for all of you too!
Much love, Jessica
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