Fingers Crossed!

Fingers crossed that in about a month I will be jabbing needles in myself again! I know, it's a strange wish. But it would mean that a few weeks after that, I'll be receiving an embryo via catheter in my uterus in the hopes that I'll be carrying a baby for an amazing couple that I'm honored to help have another baby.

I wasn't going to make a grand announcement that they have more embryos now, and we'll be able to try again, hopefully soon. But I came across this article, and it inspired me to write a new blog post.

Her Body, My Baby was written by an intended mother about her journey through infertility and having a baby via gestational surrogate, such as myself.

For those of you who have asked me why I chose to make this journey, this article is an excellent example of why. It was a similar article that I read back in 2010 that not only inspired me but made me decide then and there that I wanted to carry a baby for someone else. This article, however, is longer and more thorough as far as all the ins and outs go. It itemizes details of the process that I did not know until I was in it. This intended mother also happened to use the same lawyer who owns the agency me and my intended parents are using, so many of the details are very close to my own, though through the perspective of the biological mother. If you're really interested in sharing this journey with me and learning more, I highly recommend reading the whole thing. I wanted to touch on a small bit of it here as well.

It may have made me a little teary at times, and that emotion is why I chose to do this. Hearing her recount her 11 failed IVF attempts plus 4 failed pregnancies made my heart ache for her too. I'm so glad I already knew she got her happy ending! Infertility is a difficult thing. It's something that can be absolutely devastating. It's not just a medical issue. It affects your whole self and your whole life. It is an honor and a privilege for me to be able to help another family this way. In this article, the gestational surrogate is a woman named Cathy, and Alex is the intended mother (aka biological mother). Alex writes that Cathy "liked being the person who was known to everyone as a giver, a fulfiller of dreams." That's me! I completely identified with this statement. My life, particularly once I became a mother, has been defined by how I can help the people around me. I've made huge sacrifices for the people I love, and being a giver, a fulfiller of dreams, is exactly how I intend to live the rest of my life. Right now, this is one of the ways I'm doing that, and it fills my heart to be able to do so.

I did have a laugh when Alex recounted the birth. 

"Birth is not a tidy business. As Cathy went into labor, my husband stood respectfully by her head to avoid being on the more visceral end of things. I found my son’s birth to be a terrifying event. When the baby crowned and the top of his skull appeared, my brain did back-flips. There was the mind-bending philosophical weirdness of it all: there is our baby — coming out of her body. And then there was the physicality of it: the torture of childbirth, of being split open, of having your body turned, it seemed, inside out to produce this giant, beautiful baby. Cathy vomited; I vomited."

Actually, I had quite a good laugh. This description is so horrifying! I did not find the birth of my own daughter nearly so scary. Of course, I didn't have to watch it happen. So maybe we should be asking my mom this question! But I did go through 30 hours of natural labor, 6 hours of labor under epidural and then 45 minutes of delivery. It's all mental. At least for me. Admittedly, the crowning was the hardest part. Plus, Cathy had a 10 pound baby for Alex and her husband. Mine was 7 pounds. Ten pounds does NOT sound like fun! I will admit, I hope this baby, assuming we are successful eventually, is smaller. Either way, I'm in.

I will admit, when Alex writes that Cathy's labor started on Wednesday and, I believe, culminated on Friday, I did think, "Damn! I was hoping for a shorter labor timeframe!" I thought that with subsequent pregnancies the length of time of labor decreases. I believe it does for some. Perhaps not for all. It'd be awesome if that 30 hours of labor came down a bit. But I did it once, I can do it again. In fact, I recall thinking right after I gave birth to my daughter that it wasn't that bad and I could do it again. I don't know if my mom can do it again though...that is, watch me give birth again. She was even giving me anxiety! Perhaps I'll do it alone this time, or with my IPs. I'm doing the rest of it alone. I'm injecting myself abdominally and gluteally (is that a word? Well, it is now!) alone, which impressed my nurses at the clinic! I'm making the trips alone, getting the transfer alone, and going through the disappointments alone. Then again, I'm also raising two children alone, one of whom is almost like I adopted myself. Perhaps the journey of my life that built me into the woman I am, prepared me to be able to do this (as well as many other things, honestly). Do I want to do it alone? No. And I'm not refusing companions. Living is much more fun when you have someone by your side! But I'm strong enough to do this, and I'm thrilled to be able to. I consider this a great way to live, in fact.

Several people have asked me why I chose to do this right after getting divorced because it doesn't lend itself to dating and it doesn't seem like the right time. I've even been asked if I'm really putting my life on hold?! But I'm not putting my life on hold! I'm living my life, perhaps better than I ever have before! I simply am being a foster womb at the same time. That means taking good care of myself. That doesn't mean I can't live. All that I ask of the people who come into my life is acceptance and support. I was told, that's a tall order expecting someone new to be okay with that. But to me, if you don't accept that and you don't support that, then move along. If being married and divorced by the age of 30 taught me one thing, it taught me not to lose myself again as well as how I deserve to be treated and how I don't deserve to be treated. Thank you my lovely ex-husband (please note the sarcasm), for my beautiful daughters and for showing me, inadvertently, how to live a life to be proud of. Incidentally, his opinion of me being a surrogate is that I'm disgusting and a horrible role model for our daughter. I couldn't disagree more! I think showing her what you can do for other people is a beautiful thing. So if I have to do it alone, I will. 

Who's to say when a good time is? If you try to wait for a perfect time, it will never come. I could wait until I'm settled again, but then I would hopefully be having more babies of my own with a wonderful man who deserves me. So waiting for the right time could be a pretty long wait. I don't want to wait 5-10 years to do this for someone. I don't want to wait 5-10 years to put a gentle, sweet miracle baby in someone else's arms. To give them the gift of boo boo kisses, picnics and tea parties, bath time giggles, bedtime Mary Poppins' lullabies, and so much more. This isn't putting my life on hold. This is a miracle that makes my life worth living (on top of all the other wonderful things in my life), that brings meaning to my life, and that hopefully inspires the people around me to also be givers and fulfillers of dreams, in their own ways.

This is not something that everyone could do. But it's part of what defines who I am, and who Cathy is. I'm thankful to have been able to share in Cathy and Alex's journey through this article, and I hope that some of you are thankful to share in mine through this blog. I'm excited to be able to try again for my IPs soon, and hopefully the third time will be a charm. Fingers crossed!