What's going on in there?!

It's been a LONG week! Everyday there's been something I wanted to blog about. But I've stopped myself every time. I've been afraid to talk more about being pregnant, for fear that it would go away. I don't know if it's because of the miscarriage last year or just because I'm older and wiser now, and more aware of all the things that can go wrong. I've had friends who have had tragedies, and not just early in the pregnancies, but in the late stages. It's probably a combination of all of it, and the result is that I'm more of a worrier this time. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn't worry about anything! I wasn't worried last year before I even knew I was pregnant, let alone after. But now I'm a worrier. I push the thoughts out of my mind fast. I don't want to dwell on them or attract that negativity into my life at all. But I'm finding it difficult not to worry. I hope, though, that as the pregnancy progresses, the worries will subside. Friday was a big step. Friday was the first ultrasound and more blood tests. A year ago, when they were doing ultrasounds to see what was happening with the pregnancy and why the HCG was lower than it should be, we saw nothing, just an empty uterus (the reality was that the embryo had implanted very low and not deep, so it was difficult to be seen, and it stopped growing since it wasn't implanted enough to sustain itself). Friday morning, we saw a beautiful oval yolk sac. There was no question something is in there and it looks good! 

The doctor even said that it's in a great location in the uterus and looks good. So I left the office relieved and happy. Later on in the day, my IVF nurse called me to go over the blood tests: my estrogen is at 168, my progesterone is at 31, and my HCG is at 3122. I realized that I haven't really mentioned the blood tests much. From weeks before the embryo transfer, they monitor the levels of my hormones to make sure that my body is first ready for the embryo transfer, and then sustaining the pregnancy. I started taking medications that are primarily these hormones, weeks before the transfer, hence the reason they are monitoring them. They need to know if the medications should be adjusted or not. So every time I have blood tests, they always call me with the results and they tell me what they're looking for as well as where mine are at. For Friday, they wanted my estrogen to be above 100...clearly passed! They wanted my progesterone to be above 10...still an A! And the benchmark for my HCG was 1500...definitely in the clear! She did say that the HCG varies with different women, but they generally want it above 1500 by this point. We're now about to the point, though, where the ultrasounds tell us what we need to know more than the blood tests. The next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, October 7th, and we'll be able to see the heartbeat! That one will be really exciting! My IVF nurse also told me that, as of Friday, I am considered 5 weeks and 3 days, and my due date is May 29th, BUT, that has to be confirmed via the next ultrasound. Since May 29th happens to also be my oldest daughter's birthday, and I know she would prefer to be celebrating, if she's in town, I'm hoping that the ultrasound will change it slightly. I originally thought it would be the first week of June. But then they told me I'm considered further along than I thought. So we'll see how it works out. I also confirmed with my nurse that I will continue the estrogen pills and the progesterone injections until I'm 8 weeks pregnant (only 3 more weeks! Yay!), at which point, when she instructs me to, I can stop both. I will still have 10-14 days more of a progesterone cream to insert, and then I will be done with medications! I believe that it's around about that time that I can switch to my normal doctor as well. Speaking of progesterone shots though, I used up a package of needles and switched to a new one. I didn't take much notice of the fact that the needles went from 25 gauge to 22 gauge. I figured they were essentially the same. Well they were a little more different than I realized! I'm sure I mentioned this before, but it's been a year, so to refresh your memory, the progesterone is really thick. It requires an 18 gauge needle to withdraw it into the syringe, and then you switch to a 22-25 gauge for actual injecting (The 18 gauge is WAY too big to inject with). With the 25 gauge I was using, it's so small (in width) that it would give my thumb a cramp injecting it because the oil is so thick. But with the 22 gauge, it goes in easily, no thumb cramps, BUT, it's a wider needle, so it hurts more going in. I mean, it's not horrible. I can deal with it fine. But I definitely notice the difference. Before the needle going in didn't bother me at all. Now there's a bit of a twinge. But at least I don't get a thumb cramp every time, and that makes the process faster as well. So right now my 4 goals are: 1. ultrasound with heartbeat confirming due date, 2. no more injections, 3. no more medications at all, and 4. transferring care to my OB/GYN. They're all within sight now too, kind of! Woohoo!

One other update...I discussed what happened with the nerve in my back with the local doctor. I told him that I seemed to touch a nerve, because in that moment I felt a tingling line down the side of my bum. Fortunately that went away after 2-3 days, but after that, I had and still have a soreness and bruise like area, as far as how it feels, from the injection area to the middle of my back. I said that I assumed it would heal. He confirmed that it will, and said to make sure to stay away from the middle of my back, which is how that can happen. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize that I was more towards the middle! From my years of dancing, I can isolate my upper body pretty well and turn just my torso to get a good angle for the injections. So I didn't realize that the spot where I had injected it was closer towards the center of my back than I thought. It's also a fine line between too close to the middle and in the area where I'm supposed to inject them. At my first transfer, they drew a circle around the area, so I'm going by memory on that. But that's basically what happened, and it will heal and be fine.

So I'm going to backtrack now. Like I said, every day there's been something I wanted to blog about. Every day there's been more and more symptoms, which led me to be more and more confident the closer to Friday it got. At the beginning of the week, the first thing I noticed was how sensitive my gums are now! I remembered from my first pregnancy, reading that pregnant women can have very sensitive, even bleeding gums. Fortunately mine aren't bleeding. But it definitely went from one day flossing didn't bother me, to the next day flossing was quite painful! I've definitely been more tired, sometimes exhausted this week! And by the end of the week, the breast tenderness was starting. Fortunately for me, it's not as bad as some women have it. It wasn't the first time around either. I've heard stories about women who scream in pain even from just accidentally being hit in the boob, because the tenderness is that bad. Not so for me. It's just a little bit in certain areas. BUT, it's a hallmark of my pregnancies. It's something that I look for, even as a reassurance that all is well. A year ago when I was pregnant, I had sore breasts! That's part of how I knew I was pregnant. I think it was consistent throughout my entire pregnancy with my daughter. So this week, as I anxiously awaited the ultrasound, I was waiting for that to start, and I was relieved when it did. Of course it waited until the last minute! Kept me in suspense! But there were the other symptoms as well. I just had to put them all together and be confident in them. 

On Monday, I was so anxious about it, I asked God for a sign. A little while later, I was suddenly overcome with nausea to the point where I bent over and kneeled down on the ground waiting for it to subside so I could get something to eat. I wondered if that was the start of my morning sickness. Before Friday, I dismissed it because I never got that nauseous again, though I was frequently queasy, but it wasn't enough for me to be sure. Now, since it's been a consistent queasiness when I'm hungry, I recognize it for what it is...morning sickness, aka all day sickness, as it should be called. And here's your little lesson on morning sickness, if you don't already know. You can be sick any time of day, not just in the morning. It's called morning sickness because it's usually worse in the morning, probably because you're asleep all night, not eating, so you wake up hungry and sick. For me, it's all day, but it's not bad at all. I wouldn't even call it nausea. It's just a slight queasiness when I'm hungry, so as long as I keep eating, I'm fine. The fuller my stomach, the better. The only problem is that I'm ALWAYS hungry! Today I had lunch, a full meal, and when I finished, I was more hungry than I was before I ate! What kills me about this is that I read online that during the first trimester at least, you don't need to eat more than a normal 2000 calories a day diet, that it's during the third trimester more than anything that you really need to increase your calories. (I can't remember what their verdict was on the second trimester.) But seriously, I am SO HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME, that simply can't be! Well, today, I read in a pregnancy book I have at home, that weight gain should be slow & steady over the course of the whole pregnancy. Women in the first trimester average about 2-8 pounds weight gain. For a woman like me, in a normal weight range, I should gain between 25-30 pounds over the course of the pregnancy. (I gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy.) According to the book, you need an extra 80,000 calories to grow a baby, and you should increase your intake by 100 calories per day during the first trimester, by 300 calories per day during the second and third trimesters, and if you breastfeed, by 450 calories per day. But if you're active or have a high metabolism, this may not be enough, and you may need to experiment to figure out how much you need, to maintain a slow and steady pace. I don't know what my weight gain is so far...probably not much if any! But I know I'm going to at least gain a little since I can't stop eating! I was even going to keep tracking my calories (how I lost 18 pounds this year), and focus on maintaining a fit pregnancy. Yeah it didn't take long for that to go out the window...the calories tracking at least. I'm still going to continue to work out daily and maintain a fit pregnancy, but I'm not going to track my calories anymore. I'm eating too much! It's getting old fast and taking too much time! If I'm hungry, there's a good reason, and I'm not going to get in the way of growing a healthy baby. I'm just going to take better care of myself this pregnancy and work out regularly.

Let me also add, I learned something new today. My sense of smell is through the roof! And that affects my queasiness too. I feel like I can smell everything! At work tonight, anyone with strong perfume or cologne, I was definitely aware of their presence. There were also many places in the building with such strong smells coming from all the food that it was making me more and more queasy! I had to eat to avoid getting sick. I felt like I couldn't escape it! I have also noticed my palate changing. Snacks and meals that I used to want all the time, I don't anymore! When I'm hungry for a snack, now I look at my fridge and pantry and just think there's nothing here that I want! But I don't know what I want. I just know what I don't want. And I don't want the snacks currently in my house. I also don't want raw beef around. During my first pregnancy, I turned off to ground beef, in it's raw form and overcooked. Well, the other day I walked into the kitchen while I was cooking some ground beef on the stove, and my nose immediately turned up and I thought, "eww, what is that smell?!" It didn't take long for that aversion to come back! I'm hoping that the level of queasiness I have now is what will remain for the first trimester...or nothing! It's very manageable. I remember having just a mild, manageable nausea the last time, though I thought it was a little bit worse than this. If it stays like this, I will definitely be happy!

One thing I'm not happy about...well, I'm not unhappy. It's just annoying. I already used to pee a lot. But geez louise, I can't stop peeing now! Even though the nugget's not big enough to put pressure on my bladder yet, the increased blood flow to the pelvic area triggers the need to urinate more frequently, per my pregnancy book. I was definitely aware of that last night when I was trying to sleep! I lost track of how many times I woke up desperately needing to pee. And it's not like it was a little tinkle each time. You would think I had been guzzling liquids in my sleep! I remember with my first pregnancy waking up constantly to pee. Well, I guess that's starting early this time!

The most obvious symptom I have had all week, though, which brought me the most comfort and reassurance as well, was the obvious changes to my uterus. I could feel it about 75% of the time. There was almost always some mild cramping and occasional twinges from the uterine ligaments. I even had a painful sneeze, and my first day exercising again left my abdomen feeling a bit funny too. I can definitely see why you can't do as much high impact exercising. Those uterine ligaments do not like being juggled around! My pregnancy book says "The cramping is caused by the hormonal changes of early pregnancy and your body's response to the stretching of the uterine muscle." Well, it's obvious to me...obvious enough that sometimes I think to myself "What is going on in there already?!" It's made me take to thinking of the embryo as a little nugget already, and that's how I refer to it to myself. "What are you doing in there already, little nugget?! Because it feels like there's an awful lot going on!" Well, what is going on in there? I looked it up. Originally I thought I was considered Week 4: "Amniotic fluid is now being produced and the fetus's eyes have started to develop. By the end of the week, the umbilical cord will have started to form." But it turns out I'm actually Week 5: "The hands have started to appear and major organs are now being formed. The embryo is now the size of an apple seed." It's amazing to me to think that 2 1/2 weeks ago, the embryo was so small it could only be seen microscopically by the specialist who prepared it for transfer and handed it to the doctor who implanted it into my uterus, and now it's already the size of an apple seed! There really is a lot going on in there!

Sometimes when I think about it, I can't believe I'm really pregnant! I mean, I knew this was going to happen. It was certainly the goal at least! But I guess the longer it took to happen, the more I wondered if it really would. There also seemed to be a part of me that, even though I knew this was what I wanted to do, had a harder time picturing it becoming reality. So sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant! I have always said that I'm not concerned at all about handing the baby over, and I'm not! It's very simple for me. It's not my biological child. It's the nugget, but it's not my nugget. It's their nugget. And I feel so honored to be able to do this for my IPs. There is something I'm a bit more concerned about now though. I saw a newborn photo of my daughter the other day, and I thought to myself, I want a baby again! Imagine how I'm going to feel after I've carried a baby for 9 months and given birth to one. I can't wait to see the looks on my IPs faces when their baby is placed in their arms, but I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit more anxious to have another one of my own again. Well I'm going to have to get over that! Because it is certainly not the time yet! So fortunately, I will have 2 big birthdays to worry about during that time, and I plan to recruit lots of distractions! And to be honest, one thing I am looking forward to...I'm happy that I won't have to take care of a newborn at the same time as recovering from labor and delivery, because that wasn't fun the first time around. So I'll get to just relax and sleep this time. Remembering what my labor and delivery was like last time, I'm already looking forward to the extra sleep! Haha

I can tell as well that I'm going to have a lot of fun with this pregnancy. The conversations will go like this: "I'm pregnant, but it's not mine." Cue the reactions! I already accidentally had an interaction like this. I went to my dentist the other day, and I informed my hygienist about the pregnancy, as a surrogate, because of the xrays. She informed my dentist about my pregnancy, but not the part about being a surrogate. I did not know this, so when he came in and congratulated me, I said, as I always do, "Thank you! It's not mine, but it's exciting!" He continued about his business and a few minutes later backtracks and says "Wait, what?! Did you say it's not yours?!" hahaha So I explained and then we discussed it. I'm sure it's going to be entertaining, though it may get old eventually over the next 9 months.

One reaction I am getting from people is something that surprises me, though probably more than it should. Well, for one, my dentist commented on what a big responsibility what I'm doing is. Funny enough, it doesn't feel like it to me. I mean, I recognize that it is. But to me, you just need to make sure you take good care of yourself. I do that already! So it's not like it's an extra responsiblity. It's an extra sacrifice for me with the things I can't eat, some of my favorite foods, and I get to go through labor and delivery, woohoo! But it doesn't feel like an extra responsibility. It feels like something that can easily fit into my life.

I have also gotten, basically, that I can't live anymore. Some people treat me like I'm fragile and breakable, or like I can't do anything anymore! Running to get me a drink so that I don't have to get up...pregnant women work out too, let alone get up to get themselves food and drink! What about running errands, taking care of a household, etc. etc. Being pregnant doesn't make you an invalid. I completely understand the concern and consideration, and for that I'm grateful. But I also kind of don't like being treated like I can't do anything anymore. Speaking of which, I have also been told that I can't do anything that in any way poses any potential risk to me and the baby because I'm responsible for someone else's baby inside me, i.e. I can't even fly on an airplane, which is the example that was given. That one shocked me. Why? Because there's a risk! Sure, there's a very very minimal risk that something can happen. I mean, besides the fact that I don't have any traveling plans anyway, and I am even not allowed to leave the country, per our surrogacy contract, because I need to have access to US medical care, pregnant women are still allowed to travel up until the last month or two. The risks are very minimal. In fact, there is probably a higher risk simply from driving a car regularly. After all, flying is safer than driving. Regardless of either of those, a random freak accident could occur to me anywhere and in any way. There are always minimal risks. I can't sit around in my house all day every day avoiding all possible risks. No pregnant woman can! When I was pregnant with my daughter, when I was 4 months along, I flew to England for a 2 week vacation. We were just fine. Yeah, I need to take care of myself and be responsible for this life growing inside me. I can't go skydiving or even on a roller coaster. I can't eat sushi. And I can't live promiscuously. Though only one of those I really want to do and would do anyway in my normal non-pregnant life. (Note: it's the sushi! Sadly, my tummy doesn't agree with roller coasters anymore.) Being pregnant, and being pregnant with someone else's baby, doesn't incapacitate me and doesn't forbid me from living my life, as long as it's not a high risk life. Trust me, I take good care of myself, my family and now this little nugget. I'm not going to put it in danger, and it's my hope that it will be born even healthier due to some of my lifestyle choices. So please don't treat me like my life is over for the next 9 months. I'm still happily living my life with the joy of growing a living being at the same time. It's really not that much of a difference.