Am I or Aren't I?

It's been an interesting week since the embryo transfer. I hadn't been able to decide if I thought I was pregnant or not. The first try, a year ago almost to the day, I just knew that I was. There was no doubt in my mind. And I was right! Sadly, it didn't end well. But I knew and I was confident in that at the time. The second try, in January, I swore I was pregnant and even associated symptoms to pregnancy, but then I was told that I was not pregnant. It literally came as a shock to me because I had convinced myself that I was. So this time, I think that I was afraid to believe that I was. I tried hard not to think about it too much, but when I did I focused on the positive. I did notice some symptoms that could be associated with pregnancy, but they could also be explained away. So I just tried not to think about it too much. I fretted that the pregnancy test was too soon this time and that it would come back negative because it was too soon, and what if I am in fact pregnant. I even asked my IVF nurse again..."Are you sure it's okay to take the test after only a week? If I am, how can you possibly tell already?!" It was hard for me, and since my fears were blocking me, I couldn't get a good read on what my gut was telling me. I did notice the cramping a day after transfer, and wondered if that was implantation. I had a strange evening where I felt slightly dizzy for most of the night, and that is definitely odd for me. I noticed the slight spotting that could indicate implantation as well. My IVF nurse pointed out that that's an excellent sign. So she probably wasn't surprised when she got the results. I could tell in her voice when I answered the phone. She didn't even have to say "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" because it was written all over her voice. You know how they say you can tell when someone's smiling, even through the phone? 

On a side note, I love my IVF nurse! She has been working with me since the first try, and she's always so helpful and friendly! She answers all my questions, and I feel like I sometimes have more than most people. I will send her long lists of ingredients in different items and ask her to check if they are safe for pregnancy, and she always answers me on every single one! She's such a pleasure to work with, and I think she appreciates me, and my on-the-ball-ness too! Just had to give her a quick shout out, haha.

So yes, I knew immediately when I answered the phone. She also told me that when she spoke with the intended father a few minutes before me, she even got some emotion out of him and he made a joke. We were both so happy! I have said once before, the intended father is very reserved with his emotions, whereas the intended mom is very expressive. So I was thrilled when she said she got some emotion from him when she told him I'm pregnant. She also explained to me that my HCG level is great. My test was originally supposed to be today, Thursday, with a followup 2 days later on Saturday. But my monitoring center down here is not open on Saturday, so they decided to move up the test 1 day to Wednesday with the followup Friday. She said that for the original day, Thursday, they would have been looking for the HCG in a range of 40-60. My test, on Wednesday, showed a level of 68! That's awesome! That gives me so much more confidence in this pregnancy. If you recall, the first try, we suffered from implantation failure. They were able to tell because the second test, two days later, the HCG did not increase as much as it's supposed to, which indicates that it did not implant well and it's not generating enough HCG so it's failing. Well, the fact that my first HCG level is already higher than the range they were looking for gives us more confidence that everything is going as it should be, and it will continue to do so. Of course, I did have a fleeting thought of that we're not out of the woods. We have 9 months to go, after all! Anything could happen in all that time. So we will say our prayers every day up until the end. But this is a good start. So let's focus on that!

One more thing I wanted to mention...one more thing I had noticed and that I noticed even more strongly last night...I'm very aware of my uterus, lol. I know that sounds funny! Let me explain. For one thing, I'm a dancer and I'm very in tune with my body. Even before my first pregnancy, I always remembered a friend who was also a dancer describing to me that she thought she was pregnant because she could feel her insides kind of rearranging to prepare to grow a baby. To me that's the same as me saying I'm very aware of my uterus. With my first pregnancy with my daughter, it was further along in the 2nd trimester when I became aware of what I'm talking about. I can't explain how I know it's my uterus I feel, or the mild uterine contractions, movement, or whatever it is, as it slowly starts changing, preparing to grow this baby, but I know it. I can tell! During my first pregnancy I described it as feeling like there is a bubble inside me, and I'm just aware of it sooner now. I do remember noticing it from the first try too, when I was pregnant for a few weeks. Well, yes, I can feel it again. It brings me comfort. I'm always aware of it and looking for that feeling. I'm happy to know it's there! I'm thrilled to be able to carry this baby for my intended parents. I'm excited just to experience pregnancy again. I had such a great first pregnancy. Hopefully this one will be the same! I'm looking forward to sharing this journey with you all. Cheers!