And in the end...

Hi Everyone,
First, I owe you an apology for such a LONG wait. I know some of you have been asking for updates. I'm going to try to keep this from being record length, haha, but also explain why I stopped blogging and get you up to speed.

To be honest, the pregnancy became harder for me than I expected, but for reasons I never expected. I didn't want to worry anyone close to me or to the pregnancy. But I didn't want to blog without being fully transparent. So I stopped. One thing that happened, I believe, is that I suffered on and off during the pregnancy from prenatal depression. Not major. I was okay. But my moods definitely fluctuated a lot, which I'm sure also went hand in hand with the hormone changes of pregnancy. I also had a different psychological reaction than I could have anticipated. Before I started this journey, I thought to myself, I love being pregnant, so it would be a joy to carry a baby for someone. I was never worried about becoming attached to the baby because there was no biological connection. But as my belly grew, I did such a great job of remaining unattached emotionally, that my belly and changing body felt foreign to me. Generally speaking, I think pregnant women are beautiful. But I developed a negative body image because I didn't have an attachment to the child within myself. It was even hard for me to look in the mirror sometimes. (This was also bizarre considering that I've never been blatantly hit on as much as I was during the third trimester.) It's hard to explain, and I'll admit, I'm a bit worried about the reaction to that revelation. I certainly didn't choose to feel that way. It's just what happened for me. Accordingly, because of these feelings and mood fluctuations as well as other sacrifices I had to make, I became frustrated on top of it all, and then I felt guilty for feeling all those things. I also was always slightly concerned about the possibility of things going wrong. But I'm not sure if that was because of the surrogacy or just being older and wiser as far as pregnancy is concerned. So the experience was not exactly what I expected it to be. But I must say, even though it was harder in those respects, I still enjoyed feeling her grow inside me and seeing that result at the end.

I don't regret it, even for a minute. I wouldn't change any of the decisions I made. I would have gone through with it. It was such a beautiful ending. I had imagined watching the parents with their baby, and it brought me as much joy in real life as it did thinking about it beforehand. I care about them, and I care about the baby as much as I do for my close friends and their children. I hope that we can maintain a relationship. I would consider doing it again in the future too, though not any time soon, so I couldn't say for sure. I would definitely want to be done having my own children first. I absolutely consider the journey worth it, even with the ups and downs.

Since I did stop blogging, I want to go over some of the highlights for you during the pregnancy and delivery without going into lengthy details about the whole pregnancy. One big moment for me was early in the pregnancy when I had an ultrasound at 13 weeks. The parents wanted to do genetic testing, plus since it was IVF, there were a lot of ultrasounds in general in the beginning. I lost track of how many vaginal ultrasounds I had before the 9 week mark. In fact, when I would have to bring my daughter with me, the doctor would tell her "we're looking at your old home." This created quite a laugh when my daughter would start talking about our old house where we'd lived until a few months before this pregnancy. But it did keep her attention during the ultrasounds. Anyway, so all those ultrasounds up until the 9 week mark all just looked like little blurbs with a beating heart in the middle. Nothing much to see. So when I went to the perinatologist for a normal ultrasound at 13 weeks, to check for any abnormalities that could have occurred generally or due to the IVF or due to my hypothyroidism, I did not expect to see the miracle that I did. At such a young gestational age, I saw a full little baby in there, arms and legs, fingers and toes moving about, causing a ruckus already. She was very active even then, so I knew we were in for a fun time! I will admit, it really hit me that day. I prayed right there and then that she was perfect and there would be no reason for me or the parents to be worried or concerned about her. Something that is a part of probably all surrogacy contracts is the condition about abortion or selective reduction. If something is found to be wrong with the baby, the parents may opt to terminate, or in cases of more than one baby, selectively reduce. Looking at that little miracle, I knew I would have a difficult time if that issue came up. So I prayed that she was perfect. 

Around 18-20 weeks, I had the ultrasound showing the gender. I was so sure it was a boy. But I was wrong! It was a girl. The parents were divided. One wanted a boy, and one wanted a girl. But ultimately, they just wanted a beautiful, healthy baby. So they were excited either way. 

Around 24 weeks, I had another ultrasound, specifically focused on the heart, due to the advanced reproductive technology. Basically they just like to be overcautious in these cases. This little stinker proved she was going to be difficult. Now I see that this day was a precursor for me of the future. I knew at the 13 week ultrasound that she was going to be very active. I slowly started feeling that. She was like a little boxer. They say that when you first feel the baby move, it's like a butterfly feeling. That was true with my daughter. But this one, the first time I felt her move, it was like my insides were a punching bag! I always felt like she was anxious to get out. Towards the end, there were many times I felt like she was trying to force her way out early! Well at this ultrasound, she refused to sit still. The technician needed to take certain pictures and recordings of her heart, but she just wouldn't sit still for it. I think it took about 45 minutes for her to get everything because she had to keep starting over. At one point, she walked out of the room, and when she came back 5-10 minutes later, the baby had completely flipped over! I warned the parents, you're in for a handful with this one!

One issue that came up not long after this was an amniocentesis. The parents had said from when we first met that they would want one done. I wasn't looking forward to it, but it was their wish, so I was going to do it. I had indicated that to the doctor's office from the beginning. So I had assumed that they would bring it up when the time came to do it. But they didn't. I started thinking about it, and ended up looking it up myself. I found that I had just passed the timeframe when it should have happened. I spoke to the doctor, and she said that if I was going to do it, it needed to be done ASAP, as it got riskier and riskier the longer we waited. But I had also read something else when I looked it up, that the risk from an amnio is 1 out of 200 will miscarry or go into premature labor. I did not like those statistics. So I discussed it with the parents. The fact was that all of the genetic tests and ultrasounds and blood tests came back great. There were no problems. Plus, they had used an egg donor who was 23 or so, and I was only 31, so the need for an amnio was minimal. Fortunately, the parents agreed with me and told me to follow my gut. My gut was telling me to forgo the amnio, which we decided to do.

Something else that became annoying for me was answering the same questions over and over and over. Where I work, I see a lot of people, but I'm not close with all these people. So they saw me pregnant, but didn't know the details or that I was a surrogate. I probably was asked almost daily about the baby, all the standard questions pregnant mothers are used to. What is it? When are you due? Have you picked out a name? How are you feeling? You haven't had that baby yet! And so on. But with me being a surrogate, if I explain that, then the questions double or triple. Honestly, it got old really fast going through the whole story over and over again. Let's also revisit how I started this blog entry. Remember how I was feeling? Mood fluctuations, negative body image, frustrations? That made the constant questions even more irritating. I had absolutely no problem discussing it with the people I'm close to. But having stranger upon stranger ask me, and deciding who to explain the whole story to or not, did get old. I understood that it was all coming from a good place and the best of intentions, and they couldn't have known any better, or that someone just asked me all the same things 5 minutes before them. So I always was polite and cordial. I still am now as well, when I see people who are still currently asking me how the baby is, and don't know that I haven't seen the baby in 3 1/2 months. But as far as I know, she's great! A perfect angel the last I heard. I do wonder though when the questions will stop. I was also surprised at how many people didn't get it and didn't understand. Some people didn't let it sink in that the baby wasn't biologically mine at all, and they thought I was giving away (or in some cases selling) my own child. Some people had never even heard of surrogacy. One guy, who was trying to sell me something, asked me when my baby shower was. I explained about the situation and he looked at me like I had 2 heads! He just couldn't wrap his head around it. So it was interesting seeing the different reactions sometimes.

The last month was interesting. I started having Braxton Hicks contractions in probably March or April, which is completely normal. But I really picked up with prodromal labor in May. I was having irregular contractions almost daily. I was always wondering if I was going to go into labor and thought, at the time, that I would have the baby early. I welcomed it, aside from one day, that was my daughter's preschool graduation. But every time I thought it was starting, and I would get hit by some strong contractions or seemingly regular contractions, they would end up stopping. My due date came and went. In fact, my best friend had arranged to be here around my due date to be in the delivery room with me. And her trip came and went, but no baby! We did have a good time laughing and camping out in front of a Grey's Anatomy marathon though. We tried the tricks...walking, spicy food, etc., but no luck. Once your due date passes, the doctors start making you take tests to make sure the baby is okay to keep waiting it out. Personally, I am a big proponent of letting nature take it's course. Women have been having babies since the dawn of time, otherwise we wouldn't be here. I feel that unless there is an obvious need for medical intervention, you should let birth take it's natural course. So I was determined to wait until my labor progressed naturally, and I was going to try to get through it naturally as well, without pain killers. Well, you know what they say about making plans, right?

It was a Tuesday, June 3rd. I went to my doctor's office for a checkup including an ultrasound and stress test for the baby. The ultrasound showed that there wasn't a lot of amniotic fluid left, so it was possible the cord could become compromised. So they already started talking about inducing me. Then, during the stress test, the midwife heard the heart rate decelerate. (My OB office has midwives and doctors working together, and I personally prefer my midwife.) So then, it wasn't just a matter of needing to induce me, it was needing to induce me immediately. The good thing was that the heart rate came back up (and as the night would go on, the heart rate always came back up). But there was a huge concern about the baby with there being any D cells at all. I met my mom at my house so she could get my daughter, I got my bag, and I went to the hospital. I knew I wouldn't be able to go with my plan. Besides the fact that inducing meant no natural labor, I wasn't in the frame of mind to even attempt to do it naturally, without pain killers, especially considering that inductions are supposed to be more intense and more painful than natural labor. So I knew I would be getting the epidural. I was also scared though. More scared than I was willing to admit to myself at the time. I told myself that I was just angry with them for scaring me into all this when I was so firm against inductions. But especially as I was hooked up to the monitors and continually heard the D cells, I grew more and more scared both for the baby and that I would have to have an emergency C section. I didn't want to have surgery anyway, plus I was concerned about the impact that would have on my reproductive future. I was thinking about what if I had to be alone going through all this. Even though I knew I had the strength in me to do it, I didn't want to think about being wheeled into an emergency C section with no one there to reassure me. Fortunately, my close friend was able to make it to the hospital, spent the night and next morning there with me, and saw me through the whole thing.

So what happened? Well let's see...they started me on pitocin around 8pm. I got to the hospital hours earlier, but by the time I was brought to my room, answered a million questions to get me registered into the system, got hooked up to the monitors, and had a nurse shift changeover, my labor was finally induced around 8pm. It didn't take long for it to kick in either. An hour into it and I was definitely having strong, regular contractions every 5 minutes or so. One thing I learned from my daughter's birth was that you take the anesthesiologist as soon as you can get them! With my daughter, I labored for 30 hours naturally before I made the choice to get admitted into the hospital, get the epidural, and let them move my labor along. (FYI, it was 37 hours in the end.) I was fine managing the pain until I made the conscious choice to get the epidural instead. Then I wanted those meds right away! And what did they tell me? Oh, the anesthesiologist is going to be about an hour. Excuse me?! An hour?! Okay, then what are you going to give me right now?! That turned out to be some sort of narcotic. I can't remember which one. But I do remember the loopy feeling and funny things I said after that while I waited for the epidural. With this birth, they came to me around 9-9:30pm and said the anesthesiologist is on the floor doing a different epidural. Do you want to go ahead and get yours done now too so you don't have to wait later? I'll give you one guess what the answer was! But there was a big difference this time around too. Since it was my second pregnancy, I didn't research all these things again. I didn't take classes again. So I didn't remember the details on how they did the epidural from what I had learned the first time around, 5 years prior. And as they were about to stick me in my spine with a needle, I realized, I don't even remember what this is like because I was too drugged up on narcotics the first time around! Needless to stay I paused them to ask these questions before continuing. I could feel it more this time, but if it was painful, I don't really remember. I remember the pressure of it going in, not as much pain. Any pain I felt from that paled in comparison to what I would be feeling later in the night. Another big difference between the birth of my daughter and childbirth this time around was the after effects of the epidural. With my daughter, I could still feel the catheter, so they had to increase my dose. I ended up completely numb from the waist down. Couldn't feel a thing the whole night. I slept great until it was time to push! Then I had her out in 45 minutes. This time, I wasn't able to feel the catheter, and the epidural worked well for the first half of the night. But not so much the second half of the night. They finally got the bright idea to add one of those things where I can dose myself every so often, but that wasn't until the last hour, so it didn't make a huge difference. I think that it probably took the edge off, but for childbirth, that's not much. I say it took the edge off because in the middle of the night I heard this screeching sound. My first thought was "Who brought a parrot?!" And then I realized that it was not a parrot. It was a woman screaming. Probably going through transition, aka the last hour or so before it's time to push, when it gets really intense. Considering the fact that I never felt the need to scream like that woman was screaming, I think the epidural at least took the edge off. BUT, I still spent every 2-3 minutes for the last 6 hours (labor was 12 hours in total), tensing my entire body and squeezing/gripping onto the side of the bed anxiously waiting for the contraction to end. Plus I was both so hungry and tired. Before I went to sleep, or tried to sleep I should say, I had been watching Chopped because there was nothing else on TV to watch. So every time I would fall asleep, I was dreaming about this food I had seen on Chopped, waking up salivating with each contraction! And I was so tired that I would literally fall back asleep for the 2-3 minutes I had in between contractions, all night long. It was an endless cycle, and time never passes so slowly in your whole life as when you're enduring that kind of combination of pain, fatigue and hunger, willing your cervix to dilate as quickly as possible! 

The further into the night we got, the lower the baby's heart rate went. Most of the night, Traci and I were alone. The nurses let me try to sleep. But we could hear the heart rate. Even though we both were trying to sleep, you aren't in a deep sleep in those conditions. We didn't talk about it until after the baby arrived. But we both were having the same thoughts throughout the night, that the baby's heart rate was getting scary low sometimes. It always came back up after the contraction was over. But particularly when I was going through transition myself, it was really getting bad. I would guess getting down to as low as around 50 beats per minute when it's supposed to be at least double that. Which reminds me that they also had me on oxygen the whole night to help get plenty of oxygen to the baby since the baby wasn't handling the labor well. During the last hour of transition, hearing the heart rate get so low, I really started to think I would be having a C section. I was praying all night long that it wouldn't come to that. It even got to the point where they called the doctor to come to the hospital and decide if they needed to take the baby. But before he could make it to the hospital, my midwife informed me that I was 9.5cm, and it was close enough for me to push. (Side note: I just looked at a ruler and how big 10cm actually is, and I'm amazed all over again that women do this!) I was a little anxious about it. I had read about how your body feels when you need to push and to listen to the signals, and this also helps avoid more damage and tearing. But it was hard for me to tell when I was supposed to push and when I wasn't. Fortunately, I'm a good pusher! haha Even with that uncertainty, I was able to make good productive efforts each time, and I had that baby girl out in 10-15 minutes. I have to say too, even though it seems obvious to state that you can feel the baby come out, it really felt amazing to me, in a good way. I didn't have the burning sensation from crowning like I did with my daughter. Maybe because the baby was a pound and a half smaller. I also didn't do very much damage. I only needed 1 stitch afterward, and never had any pain from it. Well as it turned out, the baby had the cord wrapped all around her neck and her body, and this is why she wasn't handling the labor well. That was a thought I'd had in the back of my mind throughout the pregnancy. That she was so active, she might get herself entangled in the cord. Sure enough! But it wasn't tight, she cried immediately, and her Apgar score was high. She was perfect even if she did give us a scare during the night.

Traci was a rock star. Her eyes became my focal point. They were completely filled with reassurance and caring, and when I focused on them, I was able to push hard every time and get that baby out. At the beginning of the night, I felt a little awkward at times, if the nurses had to check me, being exposed, even though we're close. Funny enough, before things got interesting, we had talked about watching childbirth. They always tend to say to you, "Do you want a mirror so you can watch your baby come out?" Both of us were like "No! Who wants to see that?!" But because of how I ended up positioned, there was practically no way for Traci to avoid watching this baby come out! And she said it was the most amazing thing she's ever seen. I still don't know if I want to watch though, lol. Later on, she would also have the pleasure of helping the nurses hold me up, buck naked, as I nearly passed out in the bathroom due to all the blood loss and my plummeting blood pressure, at the time. Needless to say, I told her, if we weren't close before, we certainly are now! Since then, I have continually thanked her for being there with me, and informed her that her presence is required at the birth of all my future children!

That reminds me as well about the end of the delivery. When I had my daughter, the placenta came out almost right away. But this time, it was hanging out. Didn't want to leave! I was sitting there, legs spread, just waiting. Other nurses I had never seen before were coming in and out of my room tending to the baby, and I'm sitting there all "Hi, how are you? This is my vagina." Finally 30 minutes later or so the placenta decided to join us, along with a surge of blood. "More blood than we like," my wonderful midwife said. She had her hand in me, making sure all of the placenta came out (which is important!). But it was a little uncomfortable, so at one point I did say, "What are you doing in there?" She was just being extra cautious since it had been holding on for dear life. But I do remember when she pulled her hand out, seeing her glove completely covered in blood worried me for a second. It was like a murder scene! And sure enough, about another 30-45 minutes later, when they made me get up to go to the bathroom for the first time, and get cleaned up, it took about 30 seconds of standing after all that blood loss for my eyes to start rolling back in my head, lol. I kid. A little. They didn't necessarily roll back in my head. But I did basically faint without falling. I had the wherewithal to grip onto whatever I could around me, but I do believe I briefly lost consciousness. The dad later told me that when they were returning to my room, there was a light going off outside of it and nurses were all running in frantically. So I gave everyone a bit of a scare. Once I came to, they got me dressed again and into the wheelchair, they took my blood pressure. At that point when I was already semi-recovered, my blood pressure was 80 something over whatever. That's all you really need to know to know that it was really low. That was the worst of it though. But later on when they moved me up to my room, I almost passed out again! The next morning, they woke me up at 5am to tell me that my iron levels were borderline for needing a blood transfusion, but fortunately I was able to avoid that. Other than those things, though, I was fine. I felt normal from the next day on, and recovered very quickly. My belly even went down really fast too. Though I did still get a few questions in the first week, people wondering when my baby was due, followed by complete mortification when I said I'd had her a week prior. Just so everyone knows, if you're not already aware, it takes a few weeks for your uterus to return to it's normal size! It took 9 months to get that big in the first place. It doesn't go down overnight. I didn't take offense to the questions of course. 

Oh, and then there was the breast milk issue. My milk took 4 days to come in. Just long enough that I was hoping it wasn't going to come in at all since I never started breastfeeding. Oh, but once it came in I was well aware of it! For a good few days I was walking around, trying not to rub up against or hit anything, just going "Oh my boobs! Oh my boobs!" I even started feeling what I thought was ducts clogging and was starting to worry about mastitis. And then I learned what was really hard for me to find, because you can find a million things on the internet about what to do for breastfeeding, but barely anything to do about what to do if you're not breastfeeding, and I'm passing this on to the other women who will be in the same boat one day, walking around going "Oh my boobs!" (Seriously, carrying my sleeping child up the stairs to bed was so incredibly painful. I thought I was going to die. Except that a few days prior I had been through worse pain. But you know what I mean!) So here it is: Express a little bit of milk. Massage your breasts in the shower, particularly where you feel the clogs. Just enough to relieve the pressure is okay, and it won't be enough to prompt your body to continue producing milk. Your milk production will still slow down and eventually end...like 2 months later. And yes, my hilarious, blunt child even said to me recently "Mommy, are your boobs still spitting milk?" And apparently, I have learned from friends that they actually can spit milk, like across the room! I was never that lucky, lol. But I was very happy to tell my child that no, they are not anymore. So don't make yourself endure the pain! Relieve the pressure! You could also pump and donate your milk. In an ideal world, I would have loved to have been able to do that. But considering the psychological difficulties I had already had throughout the pregnancy, I couldn't imagine devoting the time and energy to that. I just needed to get life back to normal.

Back to the baby though...

When the baby came out, I can't describe the relief that washed over me. I got emotional from the relief. It was everything. It was the baby being ok, me being okay and not having to have a C section, me not having to endure any more contractions, and the pregnancy being over. The parents almost made it the night before when I was first induced, but their flight was cancelled. So they literally landed at the airport about the same time the baby was born. They made it to the hospital after the placenta finally came out but before I nearly ate the hospital floor. It was really heartwarming for Traci and I to watch. When the baby came out, my emotions didn't change. I felt the same for her as I had already. I cared about her, but there was no parental bond. I had worried that she would be okay, because babies know their mothers from the sound of their voice and their smell. But she looked at me, and I didn't get that feeling from her. In fact, the first time I held her, she went from being perfectly fine to crying! Once her parents arrived, it was really beautiful to watch them with her. I almost felt like I was intruding. It was funny too because they thanked me, and my automatic response, out of my mouth without even thinking about it, was "Of course!" Then I looked at Traci and laughed. Yes, of course! Because anyone would carry a baby for someone else! Anytime! You name it! lol Well I guess that just goes to show how selfless I am. They gave me a gorgeous gift as well, as a thank you, which I wear daily in remembrance.

(By the way, we've all realized now, at this point, that this last blog post is not going to be short, right?! Good! Because I'm not done yet. lol)

I had told my daughter, who was 4 at the time, about the baby halfway through the pregnancy, once I was concerned about her accidentally hurting me. Before that she just thought I was getting fat, as she even pointed out on one occasion when playing drums on my belly. I had gotten a couple books for her that we had been reading that explained surrogacy to a young child. One of them even turned out to be quite detailed, talking about sperm, eggs and the uterus. I was thinking, well I didn't expect to be having the birds and the bees talk so young! But the books really paid off. I just said to her, do you remember the story in the book? Well mommy is doing that. My daughter's response? "Who can we grow a baby for next?!" Yep, that's my kid! She wanted to grow a baby for our Australian cousins, then my mom, then for all the children in her class who's parents didn't have more kids. I continue to maintain to her that we won't be growing any more babies for anyone but us, and even that is not going to be that soon. She continues to try to get me married off as she's decided she's ready for a sibling and is impatient, even asking me to share a husband if it'll happen quicker. But that's another story! LOL This time around, I wanted her to meet the baby, so that she would have closure from watching me through the end of the pregnancy. I expected her to want to hold the baby. But at the hospital, she was shy and reserved (very unlike her), and only looked at the baby for a couple minutes before she was ready to go. My mom told me that later in the car she said "The baby was just so lovely she couldn't speak." :-) Yep, that's my kid. She'll be a great big sister one day. But on my timetable instead of hers I think!

Well, maybe I am closer to the end of this post than I thought. I think that about wraps everything up. Like I said, it was harder than I thought it would be at times. But it was also incredibly rewarding and beautiful. Now I have this relationship with this family and these memories that mean a lot to me. I'm proud of myself, and I think it was a great example to set for my daughters too. Now I'm in the process of getting life back to normal and getting back in shape, which I'm just about there. I actually could stop now, but I want to push myself a little bit further with the weight loss. I gained 40 pounds (and had also been at my lowest pre-pregnancy weight practically since I was in college), and now I'm about 6 pounds from being back to that again. It looks like I'm going to be able to visit with the family in about a month, which will be nice. And I look forward to watching her grow up from afar, and staying in touch with them. 

I also am even looking forward to going through childbirth again. After I had my daughter I thought to myself, "I could do that again." This time, I'm even more sure I could do it again. In fact, I'm even looking forward to it, and to proving to myself that I've totally got this, lol. I do pregnancy, childbirth and recovery well! I was made for this, lol. I want to beat my record. 15 minutes it is! haha I must say as well, this time around really made me see what a miracle childbirth is. You grow something so big that comes out of something so small, and your body just knows how to do it. The whole process of labor, preparing your body and the baby for the expulsion process, going through the expulsion process relatively unscathed for both parties, and then even bouncing back to normal so fast. Even then on top of that breastfeeding, the way your body knows what your baby needs just from markers and receptors in the baby's saliva so your breast milk is formulated to provide the nutritional needs of the baby, and how that changes daily, and how your body knows how much milk to produce for the baby. The whole thing is incredible, and if you want proof of a modern day miracle, that is it right there. Men, appreciate your women! Because they have this miracle, amazing ability, AND they take care of you and raise your family.

But anyway, :-), thank you for reading my blog, even with the breaks. I was looking at the site the other day, noticing that I still was getting hundreds of hits a month, even with a 6 month hiatus. That is what prompted me to sit down and write this final post, to give the rest of you closure as well. I appreciate it. :-) Lots of love to all.
Jessica

I'm Back!

Well I must apologize for the long delay! 4 months have gone by already! At first, to be honest, I just wasn't in the mood to write, and then life caught up with me. I have a lot to catch up on! For today I'll focus on the first trimester.

The last I wrote, I was about 6 weeks. I still had to see a local fertility specialist for my monitored visits, checking in with the IVF center that did the transfer regularly, and still injecting myself with progesterone. That continued through to the end of October. From about the end of August through the end of October, I had so many ultrasounds and spoke with my IVF nurse so much, it was a bit of a shock when it stopped! It felt like they were cutting the umbilical cord, no pun intended! Not long after my last post, I had the ultrasound confirming the heartbeat. That was a really gratifying moment. Even though everything was going as it should be, I couldn't help but be more concerned during the first trimester, probably because of the miscarriage last year. So seeing the heartbeat really helped ease some nerves.

I had to finish the progesterone shots through to the end of the month. By the last week or two, it was really hard to get through. I was just so over it. Sometimes it was really painful and sometimes it didn't hurt at all. I was losing track of which side I should be injecting on. You're supposed to alternate each night, but it got to the point where I couldn't keep track anymore. Sometimes the fluid and/or the blood would leak too. It was a process, every night, for weeks on end, from withdrawing the medicine into the syringe, switching the needle, warming it, injecting it, and then caring for the injection site to help reduce soreness and help the progesterone absorb into the muscle. Every night. And there was a lasting soreness, partially in the muscle and partially in the nerves. And the odd sensations in the nerves lingered for much longer as well, up to a month or two after stopping. So yeah, I was ready to stop when the time came!

I was surprised at how quickly my boobs got bigger and my belly already started to show a bit. To the average person, they probably didn’t notice. But having lost 18 pounds right before becoming pregnant, and also being able to compare it to my first pregnancy, I noticed the difference! It really did not take long at all. That could have been coupled with my need to eat more and digestive issues, but I definitely saw the difference. When you’re pregnant, you will also notice the digestive issues I just referred to. Apparently it’s common in the first trimester, which I read when I looked it up because of what I was experiencing. It’s certainly annoying! Sometimes I didn’t know if my belly was bigger or if I had that much gas in my intestines making me that bloated! Oh the digestive problems during the first trimester are both so much fun and make you feel SO attractive. I was very happy to see them go!

So for the bulk of the first trimester, probably from around the time of my last blog entry, about 6 weeks, to about 11 or 12 weeks, I had the joy of dealing with the morning sickness. Actually, saying that now, it's really only about half the trimester. The HCG starts going up about 4-5 weeks, and stays up until about 12 weeks when it comes down and the morning sickness subsides, usually. I have known people who have morning sickness longer, but fortunately for me, that hasn't been the case in my pregnancies. I must admit, the constant queasiness did make me wonder why I wanted to be pregnant again. My form of morning sickness basically meant that I always felt a little bit nauseated. Not enough to actually puke. I think I only gagged once. But enough so that my stomach always felt uneasy. I started wearing sea bands, which were recommended to me from a friend. They are acupressure bands that go on your wrists that help relieve nausea. Some days they worked better than others. At the time, on my good days I was so happy not to feel sick. It wasn't until the nausea completely went away, about 11-12 weeks, that I realized that even on my good days there was still an underlying feeling of queasiness. I had just gotten used to it! It went away completely about a week before I expected it to, corresponding with me getting a bad cold. I'm not sure if it went away because of the cold or because of my hormone levels changing, but I was happy to see it go! 

That cold ended up lasting 2-3 weeks with a horrible cough. At night, sometimes I didn't think I would get a moment to breathe. I felt like I was going to cough so hard that my insides would come out. So even though I tried really hard to avoid any medication at all, I ended up caving and asking my doctor for something. She prescribed me an antibiotic safe for pregnancy, and I literally felt the difference immediately. I don't think I would wait that long again. I just thought it was a cold and that nothing would help. But there are safe medicines, and it turned out I needed one!

Going back to October now, I went through a bit of a rough time that month. I wasn't officially diagnosed, but I believe that I went through a bout of prenatal depression for about 2-3 weeks. At first, I just thought it was the hormones. But it got worse. I was crying a lot, for seemingly nothing. Little things would set me off. I started to think it was more than just hormones so I did a little reading on it and figured it was more of a prenatal depression. An article on Babycenter said that "the rapid increase in hormone levels at the start of pregnancy can disrupt brain chemistry and lead to depression." I went through a list of symptoms and some of them corresponded with how I was feeling...feeling sad for most of the day, excessive crying, extreme fatigue, a desire to eat all the time (though this could also have been because of the nausea), and feelings of hopelessness, were the main symptoms for me. It was never to the point where I was in danger of hurting myself. But I felt badly every day. I was just about to the point where I would discuss it with my doctor and consider the options to safely treat it, when it just went away and didn't come back. I have felt fine since! I'm sure this was part of the reason, if not the main reason, why I didn't really feel like writing for the blog in October. I was also hesitant to mention this publicly because I didn't want to worry my IP's or my family. But I think it's important to touch on these subjects publicly. Apparently it wasn't always believed that pregnant women could suffer from depression. But prenatal depression is real, and you should talk to your doctor about it if you suffer from it. There are various options of treatment that do not include medications, but medications can also be prescribed in extreme cases. It's better to handle it though, especially if you're having extreme feelings of hopelessness leading to possible thoughts of harm. I hope mentioning this here helps someone else too.

So my last topic for the first trimester and today's update is eating! This kind of goes along with the morning sickness, but stay with me. People tend to ask me, what am I craving? Everyone always assumes, from the movies and television shows, that everyone has weird cravings when they’re pregnant! I’m sure that it happens a little bit, but it’s really not bad for me. Sure, there are times that I decide I have to have something specific. But it’s not usually something weird. For me, the main thing is aversions. My first trimester was very interesting because I had a lot more difficulty eating than I remembered from my first pregnancy. Well, first of all, I constantly felt a need to eat. The nonstop nausea made me want to eat all the time. If I got too hungry, I would feel sick. I always needed to have something in my stomach. My parents even looked at me one day and said “Can’t you just stop?!” No, the answer is no I couldn’t. I would get sick if I did.

Of course, this was hard considering that suddenly I couldn’t eat as much! I was expecting the aversion to ground beef. I remembered that one. I can eat it, but if it’s too mealy, it turns me off. Raw meat and raw chicken in general is difficult for me to cook. I have to turn my nose away. It’s easier now that I’m no longer in the first trimester. My nose was more on alert then! I felt like I could smell everything! At work, where I’d walk around concessions and literally smell tons of different items being cooked at all times, it was an exercise on keeping my stomach under control. There were some areas that were safe and some that weren’t! I used to love pad thai, and it’s one of my daughter’s favorites that she asks for all the time. I can’t even smell it now. There were times that I gagged because of an aversion to something I was eating, that had nothing to do with morning sickness. Certain cooked fish didn’t work for me anymore. If I got a piece of meat with gristle in it, there had better be a trash can close by! And the people who say that you crave items because of the nutritional content are definitely wrong! I craved candy and Taco Bell more than anything else! I had really gotten myself away from food like that prior to becoming pregnant. I was eating more healthy. But that’s what I wanted! Oh and vegetables? Yeah, you could count them in my list of aversions now. Not all, but most. I would still get some in of course, but it was harder to do than before because they were doing the opposite of appealing to me. I had a moment, watching The Good Wife, when the pregnant character pulled a bag of Pop Tarts out of her purse and apologized but they were the only thing she could eat. I completely understood her! Because I too was depending greatly on Pop Tarts! I hadn’t eaten them in ages. I tried to get away from them because of the artificial ingredients. But the pregnant body/nauseated stomach wants what it wants. Though now I’m no longer a fan again. Now they induce heart burn. But they did help me through the first trimester. As the first trimester winded down, I did find that I could eat more of what was repelling me. Now, it’s not like before I was pregnant, but it’s not as bad as it was during the first trimester, so my variety of intake has improved.

Another side effect that goes along with the eating was my taste buds! Again, it was more amplified during the first trimester, and isn’t as bad now, thankfully. But I felt like my taste buds were particularly on high, especially extra sweet or extra bitter. Because of it, I found myself unable to eat some of my favorite meals, not because of an aversion to the food, but because when eating it, my taste buds would pinpoint something that was making it extra sweet or extra bitter, and make me dislike it! Because of the combination of my aversions and my taste buds, the list of things I could eat really narrowed. Pizza was one of the few things I could eat anytime. Homemade macaroni and cheese as well. Of course, that’s not all I ate. If I had to force myself, I ate a bit more of a variety. But my point is, it gets hard when your options diminish!

Throughout all of this, I always had in my head, I’m caring for someone else’s baby, so I want/need to do what’s best for it/them. Not that I wouldn’t for my own anyway, but it’s an extra pressure. Sometimes I felt guilty for craving junk. But I really can’t help it! I forgot how much the pregnant body wants what it wants, end of! Of course I still make an effort to take good care of myself and subsequently, this baby. I probably take better care of myself than many out there who are pregnant. But there is an added weight on your shoulders that I, at least, feel like I have to balance with the demands of my body.

I'm Sorry, I'm Pregnant!

Well, I'm officially 6 weeks along! It's amazing how fast time flies! Especially since I've technically only been pregnant 3 1/2 weeks, but since they count from the beginning of the cycle month, that makes me 6 weeks, which is approximately halfway through the first trimester. Most people think of the first trimester as the first 3 months, so you would think the first trimester is 12 weeks long. If I recall correctly, I think it's actually 14 weeks long. So I'm not quite halfway through yet. But hey, close enough! Every step closer to the second trimester makes me happy since the biggest chance of miscarriage is during the first trimester. I did ask my IPs if the embryo was tested at all. Our clinic does special research that includes testing the frozen embryos for genetic defects. They can test them and receive as much information as an amniocentesis gives you, including the gender. They do this to determine which embryos are more viable and have the best chance of success. Their success with this research has helped them establish a success rate approximately 20% higher than most other clinics in the world. Since the most likely cause for miscarriage in the first trimester is genetic defects, I wondered if they were able to do the same tests on this embryo. This embryo, though, was a fresh transfer, meaning it was never frozen. Even though they can do the tests on frozen embryos, some say that you're more likely to have success with fresh embryos, and my IPs wanted to try this one fresh instead of frozen. They placed confidence in the egg donor and the tests done on the egg donor, since she is in her young 20s and she was tested for genetic abnormalities. So it's more likely that her eggs are good, in comparison to women in their 30s and 40s. So fingers crossed all is good with this embryo and we continue to have success and milestones. Second trimester is only 7-8 weeks away!

I'm feeling pretty good. My queasiness has even lessened. I'd say I'm about 50/50, maybe even less than that. I seem to feel good most of the time. When I start to get hungry, I get a little queasy. In fact, that's what hunger feels like now, queasiness. But I'm a snacker, so I generally stay somewhat full, so the queasiness isn't bad. I have noted that I can add salami to the list of things I can't, or don't want, to smell anymore. Luckily for me my daughter likes to have salami rollups with her lunch every day! Oh well. I can handle it. The sore nerve is gone. But there's a new soreness. It's from the new needles. Since they are a bit bigger, they activate more pain receptors. Before, other than the initial prick, I couldn't really feel them go in or the progesterone go in. But now I can. Now I have the initial, bigger prick, plus the feeling of them going in, plus the feeling of the progesterone going in. And we all know as well that if you tense your muscles, you make it worse. I try not to, but especially since I also have to turn my torso halfway around to do the injections, I can't help tensing a bit. I currently have a knot in the top of the left side of my bum from an injection the other night. So the progression of my injections has gone from extreme muscle soreness, like after an intense workout, to nerve sensitivity, to a combination of nerve and pain receptor sensitivity. I know you would think those would be the same, but there's a difference. I can't really explain it, but there's a difference. The nerve sensitivity is almost like pins and needles when you touch it, whereas the pain receptor sensitivity is pain. Ok, maybe I can kind of explain it. So that's how that's going. Here you can see what I'm dealing with. The first needle withdraws the progesterone into the syringe, and the second one is for injecting into the body.

My ass feels like a pin cushion!

There is a new symptom that's becoming painfully clear. My hormones are out of control! They are making me emotional. I first noticed on Sunday when I got into an argument with my ex-husband, because I realized that I would normally choose not to get into it with him, but my hormones and emotions were making me feel like I didn't care, I wanted to rip into him and I did! Don't worry, he deserved it. It's just usually not worth it to me. I had a clear thought process, though, of I should let this go before the argument escalates but no, I feel like handling it differently this time and I know why. I also eventually got to the uncontrollable crying stage because I'm a crier anyway, especially when fighting, so of course I'm going to cry when both fighting and jacked up on pregnancy hormones! So once I was done fighting and was just driving to pick up my daughter (note: I was done fighting before leaving to drive), the crying began in the car. I even had a stranger looking at me and beep at me from the next car. I'm not really sure if he was hitting on me or checking to see if I was okay. I assumed the second but then was unsure when I saw his expression. But I blew him off before I had a chance to think about it anyway, and was happy to be able to speed away from that light. With every day since then, I have had a moment when I have cried or wanted to cry, and it's almost like an out of body experience in that my logical brain can see that I have no legitimate reason why I'm crying or want to, that it's all about the pregnancy hormones. That shows you actually how much the hormones increase with pregnancy. Because I have been on the estrogen pills and progesterone shots for weeks now, 4-5 weeks, and I did not feel any difference in my emotions until now. But it's glaringly apparent at the moment. Anything or nothing can set me off. It could be watching a video about a dad talking about his Down Syndrome daughter, watching a news story or even a fictional show or movie about tragedies with kids, or it could literally be NOTHING! You have no idea how frustrating it is to want to cry for absolutely no reason. I'm just going to have to start walking around saying, I'm sorry, I'm pregnant!

I did come to one emotional decision that I'm confident in, and I already talked to my best friend about it. I have thought off and on about the day I deliver. I've also expressed, recently, some concern about that time because I'm not worried about attachment to the baby, but I am worried about postpartum issues because of carrying a baby and not getting to take one home. (Side note: even if I had these concerns more before I made the decision, they would not have changed my mind. I made my bucket list recently, and I realized that this is something I want on it, and I'll check it off completely once I put a baby in my IPs arms. I wanted to do this for someone, no matter what. So I will prepare for the postpartum stuff.) Anyway, so I was thinking that I don't want to deliver this baby alone. My IPs should be there, but I mean having someone there for me. I could ask my mom. But I feel like it's a difficult situation. Being there for my daughter's birth was a nerve-wracking thing for my mother just from her own difficulties with childbirth. I don't want to put her through that for a baby that isn't mine, confusing her emotions. I also don't want an awkward situation in the room because there's me, in labor and getting ready to push out a baby, my IPs who I know and am comfortable with, and my mom who doesn't know them at all and is worried about me, her baby. I think I kind of feel like I would feel like I would need to play host, so to speak, as if we were at my house and I'm introducing everyone, but that's not really a good time for me to be playing host! So I realized the other night that I would really like one of my best friends to be there with me, to help me through the labor & delivery (which to be honest, will probably be more than my ex did the first time around anyway, so it will be nice!) and to be here with me in the days afterward as I'm recovering, getting back on my feet and going through that postpartum stuff. I talked to her about it tonight, and we already have a plan involving Friends marathons and Friends & Twilight Scene It! I can't wait! And I feel better knowing that she will be there with me. It'll be a little tricky planning the logistics, since she doesn't live in Florida, but the same applies to the IPs, so I'm sure we'll figure it out.

One last thing to mention...I had a bit of a premonition the other morning. I was in that semi-conscious state, you know, when you're trying to wake up but you're in and out. And something came to me, in a dream, but my eyes bolted open when I realized what it was. Someone whispered to me, "It's a girl!" Of course, that remains to be seen. It even struck me a bit as odd because it's not something I was thinking about or wondering about. But I certainly took note. So we shall see!

What's going on in there?!

It's been a LONG week! Everyday there's been something I wanted to blog about. But I've stopped myself every time. I've been afraid to talk more about being pregnant, for fear that it would go away. I don't know if it's because of the miscarriage last year or just because I'm older and wiser now, and more aware of all the things that can go wrong. I've had friends who have had tragedies, and not just early in the pregnancies, but in the late stages. It's probably a combination of all of it, and the result is that I'm more of a worrier this time. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I didn't worry about anything! I wasn't worried last year before I even knew I was pregnant, let alone after. But now I'm a worrier. I push the thoughts out of my mind fast. I don't want to dwell on them or attract that negativity into my life at all. But I'm finding it difficult not to worry. I hope, though, that as the pregnancy progresses, the worries will subside. Friday was a big step. Friday was the first ultrasound and more blood tests. A year ago, when they were doing ultrasounds to see what was happening with the pregnancy and why the HCG was lower than it should be, we saw nothing, just an empty uterus (the reality was that the embryo had implanted very low and not deep, so it was difficult to be seen, and it stopped growing since it wasn't implanted enough to sustain itself). Friday morning, we saw a beautiful oval yolk sac. There was no question something is in there and it looks good! 

The doctor even said that it's in a great location in the uterus and looks good. So I left the office relieved and happy. Later on in the day, my IVF nurse called me to go over the blood tests: my estrogen is at 168, my progesterone is at 31, and my HCG is at 3122. I realized that I haven't really mentioned the blood tests much. From weeks before the embryo transfer, they monitor the levels of my hormones to make sure that my body is first ready for the embryo transfer, and then sustaining the pregnancy. I started taking medications that are primarily these hormones, weeks before the transfer, hence the reason they are monitoring them. They need to know if the medications should be adjusted or not. So every time I have blood tests, they always call me with the results and they tell me what they're looking for as well as where mine are at. For Friday, they wanted my estrogen to be above 100...clearly passed! They wanted my progesterone to be above 10...still an A! And the benchmark for my HCG was 1500...definitely in the clear! She did say that the HCG varies with different women, but they generally want it above 1500 by this point. We're now about to the point, though, where the ultrasounds tell us what we need to know more than the blood tests. The next ultrasound is scheduled for Monday, October 7th, and we'll be able to see the heartbeat! That one will be really exciting! My IVF nurse also told me that, as of Friday, I am considered 5 weeks and 3 days, and my due date is May 29th, BUT, that has to be confirmed via the next ultrasound. Since May 29th happens to also be my oldest daughter's birthday, and I know she would prefer to be celebrating, if she's in town, I'm hoping that the ultrasound will change it slightly. I originally thought it would be the first week of June. But then they told me I'm considered further along than I thought. So we'll see how it works out. I also confirmed with my nurse that I will continue the estrogen pills and the progesterone injections until I'm 8 weeks pregnant (only 3 more weeks! Yay!), at which point, when she instructs me to, I can stop both. I will still have 10-14 days more of a progesterone cream to insert, and then I will be done with medications! I believe that it's around about that time that I can switch to my normal doctor as well. Speaking of progesterone shots though, I used up a package of needles and switched to a new one. I didn't take much notice of the fact that the needles went from 25 gauge to 22 gauge. I figured they were essentially the same. Well they were a little more different than I realized! I'm sure I mentioned this before, but it's been a year, so to refresh your memory, the progesterone is really thick. It requires an 18 gauge needle to withdraw it into the syringe, and then you switch to a 22-25 gauge for actual injecting (The 18 gauge is WAY too big to inject with). With the 25 gauge I was using, it's so small (in width) that it would give my thumb a cramp injecting it because the oil is so thick. But with the 22 gauge, it goes in easily, no thumb cramps, BUT, it's a wider needle, so it hurts more going in. I mean, it's not horrible. I can deal with it fine. But I definitely notice the difference. Before the needle going in didn't bother me at all. Now there's a bit of a twinge. But at least I don't get a thumb cramp every time, and that makes the process faster as well. So right now my 4 goals are: 1. ultrasound with heartbeat confirming due date, 2. no more injections, 3. no more medications at all, and 4. transferring care to my OB/GYN. They're all within sight now too, kind of! Woohoo!

One other update...I discussed what happened with the nerve in my back with the local doctor. I told him that I seemed to touch a nerve, because in that moment I felt a tingling line down the side of my bum. Fortunately that went away after 2-3 days, but after that, I had and still have a soreness and bruise like area, as far as how it feels, from the injection area to the middle of my back. I said that I assumed it would heal. He confirmed that it will, and said to make sure to stay away from the middle of my back, which is how that can happen. The funny thing is that I didn't even realize that I was more towards the middle! From my years of dancing, I can isolate my upper body pretty well and turn just my torso to get a good angle for the injections. So I didn't realize that the spot where I had injected it was closer towards the center of my back than I thought. It's also a fine line between too close to the middle and in the area where I'm supposed to inject them. At my first transfer, they drew a circle around the area, so I'm going by memory on that. But that's basically what happened, and it will heal and be fine.

So I'm going to backtrack now. Like I said, every day there's been something I wanted to blog about. Every day there's been more and more symptoms, which led me to be more and more confident the closer to Friday it got. At the beginning of the week, the first thing I noticed was how sensitive my gums are now! I remembered from my first pregnancy, reading that pregnant women can have very sensitive, even bleeding gums. Fortunately mine aren't bleeding. But it definitely went from one day flossing didn't bother me, to the next day flossing was quite painful! I've definitely been more tired, sometimes exhausted this week! And by the end of the week, the breast tenderness was starting. Fortunately for me, it's not as bad as some women have it. It wasn't the first time around either. I've heard stories about women who scream in pain even from just accidentally being hit in the boob, because the tenderness is that bad. Not so for me. It's just a little bit in certain areas. BUT, it's a hallmark of my pregnancies. It's something that I look for, even as a reassurance that all is well. A year ago when I was pregnant, I had sore breasts! That's part of how I knew I was pregnant. I think it was consistent throughout my entire pregnancy with my daughter. So this week, as I anxiously awaited the ultrasound, I was waiting for that to start, and I was relieved when it did. Of course it waited until the last minute! Kept me in suspense! But there were the other symptoms as well. I just had to put them all together and be confident in them. 

On Monday, I was so anxious about it, I asked God for a sign. A little while later, I was suddenly overcome with nausea to the point where I bent over and kneeled down on the ground waiting for it to subside so I could get something to eat. I wondered if that was the start of my morning sickness. Before Friday, I dismissed it because I never got that nauseous again, though I was frequently queasy, but it wasn't enough for me to be sure. Now, since it's been a consistent queasiness when I'm hungry, I recognize it for what it is...morning sickness, aka all day sickness, as it should be called. And here's your little lesson on morning sickness, if you don't already know. You can be sick any time of day, not just in the morning. It's called morning sickness because it's usually worse in the morning, probably because you're asleep all night, not eating, so you wake up hungry and sick. For me, it's all day, but it's not bad at all. I wouldn't even call it nausea. It's just a slight queasiness when I'm hungry, so as long as I keep eating, I'm fine. The fuller my stomach, the better. The only problem is that I'm ALWAYS hungry! Today I had lunch, a full meal, and when I finished, I was more hungry than I was before I ate! What kills me about this is that I read online that during the first trimester at least, you don't need to eat more than a normal 2000 calories a day diet, that it's during the third trimester more than anything that you really need to increase your calories. (I can't remember what their verdict was on the second trimester.) But seriously, I am SO HUNGRY, ALL THE TIME, that simply can't be! Well, today, I read in a pregnancy book I have at home, that weight gain should be slow & steady over the course of the whole pregnancy. Women in the first trimester average about 2-8 pounds weight gain. For a woman like me, in a normal weight range, I should gain between 25-30 pounds over the course of the pregnancy. (I gained 30 pounds with my first pregnancy.) According to the book, you need an extra 80,000 calories to grow a baby, and you should increase your intake by 100 calories per day during the first trimester, by 300 calories per day during the second and third trimesters, and if you breastfeed, by 450 calories per day. But if you're active or have a high metabolism, this may not be enough, and you may need to experiment to figure out how much you need, to maintain a slow and steady pace. I don't know what my weight gain is so far...probably not much if any! But I know I'm going to at least gain a little since I can't stop eating! I was even going to keep tracking my calories (how I lost 18 pounds this year), and focus on maintaining a fit pregnancy. Yeah it didn't take long for that to go out the window...the calories tracking at least. I'm still going to continue to work out daily and maintain a fit pregnancy, but I'm not going to track my calories anymore. I'm eating too much! It's getting old fast and taking too much time! If I'm hungry, there's a good reason, and I'm not going to get in the way of growing a healthy baby. I'm just going to take better care of myself this pregnancy and work out regularly.

Let me also add, I learned something new today. My sense of smell is through the roof! And that affects my queasiness too. I feel like I can smell everything! At work tonight, anyone with strong perfume or cologne, I was definitely aware of their presence. There were also many places in the building with such strong smells coming from all the food that it was making me more and more queasy! I had to eat to avoid getting sick. I felt like I couldn't escape it! I have also noticed my palate changing. Snacks and meals that I used to want all the time, I don't anymore! When I'm hungry for a snack, now I look at my fridge and pantry and just think there's nothing here that I want! But I don't know what I want. I just know what I don't want. And I don't want the snacks currently in my house. I also don't want raw beef around. During my first pregnancy, I turned off to ground beef, in it's raw form and overcooked. Well, the other day I walked into the kitchen while I was cooking some ground beef on the stove, and my nose immediately turned up and I thought, "eww, what is that smell?!" It didn't take long for that aversion to come back! I'm hoping that the level of queasiness I have now is what will remain for the first trimester...or nothing! It's very manageable. I remember having just a mild, manageable nausea the last time, though I thought it was a little bit worse than this. If it stays like this, I will definitely be happy!

One thing I'm not happy about...well, I'm not unhappy. It's just annoying. I already used to pee a lot. But geez louise, I can't stop peeing now! Even though the nugget's not big enough to put pressure on my bladder yet, the increased blood flow to the pelvic area triggers the need to urinate more frequently, per my pregnancy book. I was definitely aware of that last night when I was trying to sleep! I lost track of how many times I woke up desperately needing to pee. And it's not like it was a little tinkle each time. You would think I had been guzzling liquids in my sleep! I remember with my first pregnancy waking up constantly to pee. Well, I guess that's starting early this time!

The most obvious symptom I have had all week, though, which brought me the most comfort and reassurance as well, was the obvious changes to my uterus. I could feel it about 75% of the time. There was almost always some mild cramping and occasional twinges from the uterine ligaments. I even had a painful sneeze, and my first day exercising again left my abdomen feeling a bit funny too. I can definitely see why you can't do as much high impact exercising. Those uterine ligaments do not like being juggled around! My pregnancy book says "The cramping is caused by the hormonal changes of early pregnancy and your body's response to the stretching of the uterine muscle." Well, it's obvious to me...obvious enough that sometimes I think to myself "What is going on in there already?!" It's made me take to thinking of the embryo as a little nugget already, and that's how I refer to it to myself. "What are you doing in there already, little nugget?! Because it feels like there's an awful lot going on!" Well, what is going on in there? I looked it up. Originally I thought I was considered Week 4: "Amniotic fluid is now being produced and the fetus's eyes have started to develop. By the end of the week, the umbilical cord will have started to form." But it turns out I'm actually Week 5: "The hands have started to appear and major organs are now being formed. The embryo is now the size of an apple seed." It's amazing to me to think that 2 1/2 weeks ago, the embryo was so small it could only be seen microscopically by the specialist who prepared it for transfer and handed it to the doctor who implanted it into my uterus, and now it's already the size of an apple seed! There really is a lot going on in there!

Sometimes when I think about it, I can't believe I'm really pregnant! I mean, I knew this was going to happen. It was certainly the goal at least! But I guess the longer it took to happen, the more I wondered if it really would. There also seemed to be a part of me that, even though I knew this was what I wanted to do, had a harder time picturing it becoming reality. So sometimes it's hard for me to believe that I'm pregnant! I have always said that I'm not concerned at all about handing the baby over, and I'm not! It's very simple for me. It's not my biological child. It's the nugget, but it's not my nugget. It's their nugget. And I feel so honored to be able to do this for my IPs. There is something I'm a bit more concerned about now though. I saw a newborn photo of my daughter the other day, and I thought to myself, I want a baby again! Imagine how I'm going to feel after I've carried a baby for 9 months and given birth to one. I can't wait to see the looks on my IPs faces when their baby is placed in their arms, but I have a feeling I'm going to be a bit more anxious to have another one of my own again. Well I'm going to have to get over that! Because it is certainly not the time yet! So fortunately, I will have 2 big birthdays to worry about during that time, and I plan to recruit lots of distractions! And to be honest, one thing I am looking forward to...I'm happy that I won't have to take care of a newborn at the same time as recovering from labor and delivery, because that wasn't fun the first time around. So I'll get to just relax and sleep this time. Remembering what my labor and delivery was like last time, I'm already looking forward to the extra sleep! Haha

I can tell as well that I'm going to have a lot of fun with this pregnancy. The conversations will go like this: "I'm pregnant, but it's not mine." Cue the reactions! I already accidentally had an interaction like this. I went to my dentist the other day, and I informed my hygienist about the pregnancy, as a surrogate, because of the xrays. She informed my dentist about my pregnancy, but not the part about being a surrogate. I did not know this, so when he came in and congratulated me, I said, as I always do, "Thank you! It's not mine, but it's exciting!" He continued about his business and a few minutes later backtracks and says "Wait, what?! Did you say it's not yours?!" hahaha So I explained and then we discussed it. I'm sure it's going to be entertaining, though it may get old eventually over the next 9 months.

One reaction I am getting from people is something that surprises me, though probably more than it should. Well, for one, my dentist commented on what a big responsibility what I'm doing is. Funny enough, it doesn't feel like it to me. I mean, I recognize that it is. But to me, you just need to make sure you take good care of yourself. I do that already! So it's not like it's an extra responsiblity. It's an extra sacrifice for me with the things I can't eat, some of my favorite foods, and I get to go through labor and delivery, woohoo! But it doesn't feel like an extra responsibility. It feels like something that can easily fit into my life.

I have also gotten, basically, that I can't live anymore. Some people treat me like I'm fragile and breakable, or like I can't do anything anymore! Running to get me a drink so that I don't have to get up...pregnant women work out too, let alone get up to get themselves food and drink! What about running errands, taking care of a household, etc. etc. Being pregnant doesn't make you an invalid. I completely understand the concern and consideration, and for that I'm grateful. But I also kind of don't like being treated like I can't do anything anymore. Speaking of which, I have also been told that I can't do anything that in any way poses any potential risk to me and the baby because I'm responsible for someone else's baby inside me, i.e. I can't even fly on an airplane, which is the example that was given. That one shocked me. Why? Because there's a risk! Sure, there's a very very minimal risk that something can happen. I mean, besides the fact that I don't have any traveling plans anyway, and I am even not allowed to leave the country, per our surrogacy contract, because I need to have access to US medical care, pregnant women are still allowed to travel up until the last month or two. The risks are very minimal. In fact, there is probably a higher risk simply from driving a car regularly. After all, flying is safer than driving. Regardless of either of those, a random freak accident could occur to me anywhere and in any way. There are always minimal risks. I can't sit around in my house all day every day avoiding all possible risks. No pregnant woman can! When I was pregnant with my daughter, when I was 4 months along, I flew to England for a 2 week vacation. We were just fine. Yeah, I need to take care of myself and be responsible for this life growing inside me. I can't go skydiving or even on a roller coaster. I can't eat sushi. And I can't live promiscuously. Though only one of those I really want to do and would do anyway in my normal non-pregnant life. (Note: it's the sushi! Sadly, my tummy doesn't agree with roller coasters anymore.) Being pregnant, and being pregnant with someone else's baby, doesn't incapacitate me and doesn't forbid me from living my life, as long as it's not a high risk life. Trust me, I take good care of myself, my family and now this little nugget. I'm not going to put it in danger, and it's my hope that it will be born even healthier due to some of my lifestyle choices. So please don't treat me like my life is over for the next 9 months. I'm still happily living my life with the joy of growing a living being at the same time. It's really not that much of a difference.