I'm Sorry, I'm Pregnant!

Well, I'm officially 6 weeks along! It's amazing how fast time flies! Especially since I've technically only been pregnant 3 1/2 weeks, but since they count from the beginning of the cycle month, that makes me 6 weeks, which is approximately halfway through the first trimester. Most people think of the first trimester as the first 3 months, so you would think the first trimester is 12 weeks long. If I recall correctly, I think it's actually 14 weeks long. So I'm not quite halfway through yet. But hey, close enough! Every step closer to the second trimester makes me happy since the biggest chance of miscarriage is during the first trimester. I did ask my IPs if the embryo was tested at all. Our clinic does special research that includes testing the frozen embryos for genetic defects. They can test them and receive as much information as an amniocentesis gives you, including the gender. They do this to determine which embryos are more viable and have the best chance of success. Their success with this research has helped them establish a success rate approximately 20% higher than most other clinics in the world. Since the most likely cause for miscarriage in the first trimester is genetic defects, I wondered if they were able to do the same tests on this embryo. This embryo, though, was a fresh transfer, meaning it was never frozen. Even though they can do the tests on frozen embryos, some say that you're more likely to have success with fresh embryos, and my IPs wanted to try this one fresh instead of frozen. They placed confidence in the egg donor and the tests done on the egg donor, since she is in her young 20s and she was tested for genetic abnormalities. So it's more likely that her eggs are good, in comparison to women in their 30s and 40s. So fingers crossed all is good with this embryo and we continue to have success and milestones. Second trimester is only 7-8 weeks away!

I'm feeling pretty good. My queasiness has even lessened. I'd say I'm about 50/50, maybe even less than that. I seem to feel good most of the time. When I start to get hungry, I get a little queasy. In fact, that's what hunger feels like now, queasiness. But I'm a snacker, so I generally stay somewhat full, so the queasiness isn't bad. I have noted that I can add salami to the list of things I can't, or don't want, to smell anymore. Luckily for me my daughter likes to have salami rollups with her lunch every day! Oh well. I can handle it. The sore nerve is gone. But there's a new soreness. It's from the new needles. Since they are a bit bigger, they activate more pain receptors. Before, other than the initial prick, I couldn't really feel them go in or the progesterone go in. But now I can. Now I have the initial, bigger prick, plus the feeling of them going in, plus the feeling of the progesterone going in. And we all know as well that if you tense your muscles, you make it worse. I try not to, but especially since I also have to turn my torso halfway around to do the injections, I can't help tensing a bit. I currently have a knot in the top of the left side of my bum from an injection the other night. So the progression of my injections has gone from extreme muscle soreness, like after an intense workout, to nerve sensitivity, to a combination of nerve and pain receptor sensitivity. I know you would think those would be the same, but there's a difference. I can't really explain it, but there's a difference. The nerve sensitivity is almost like pins and needles when you touch it, whereas the pain receptor sensitivity is pain. Ok, maybe I can kind of explain it. So that's how that's going. Here you can see what I'm dealing with. The first needle withdraws the progesterone into the syringe, and the second one is for injecting into the body.

My ass feels like a pin cushion!

There is a new symptom that's becoming painfully clear. My hormones are out of control! They are making me emotional. I first noticed on Sunday when I got into an argument with my ex-husband, because I realized that I would normally choose not to get into it with him, but my hormones and emotions were making me feel like I didn't care, I wanted to rip into him and I did! Don't worry, he deserved it. It's just usually not worth it to me. I had a clear thought process, though, of I should let this go before the argument escalates but no, I feel like handling it differently this time and I know why. I also eventually got to the uncontrollable crying stage because I'm a crier anyway, especially when fighting, so of course I'm going to cry when both fighting and jacked up on pregnancy hormones! So once I was done fighting and was just driving to pick up my daughter (note: I was done fighting before leaving to drive), the crying began in the car. I even had a stranger looking at me and beep at me from the next car. I'm not really sure if he was hitting on me or checking to see if I was okay. I assumed the second but then was unsure when I saw his expression. But I blew him off before I had a chance to think about it anyway, and was happy to be able to speed away from that light. With every day since then, I have had a moment when I have cried or wanted to cry, and it's almost like an out of body experience in that my logical brain can see that I have no legitimate reason why I'm crying or want to, that it's all about the pregnancy hormones. That shows you actually how much the hormones increase with pregnancy. Because I have been on the estrogen pills and progesterone shots for weeks now, 4-5 weeks, and I did not feel any difference in my emotions until now. But it's glaringly apparent at the moment. Anything or nothing can set me off. It could be watching a video about a dad talking about his Down Syndrome daughter, watching a news story or even a fictional show or movie about tragedies with kids, or it could literally be NOTHING! You have no idea how frustrating it is to want to cry for absolutely no reason. I'm just going to have to start walking around saying, I'm sorry, I'm pregnant!

I did come to one emotional decision that I'm confident in, and I already talked to my best friend about it. I have thought off and on about the day I deliver. I've also expressed, recently, some concern about that time because I'm not worried about attachment to the baby, but I am worried about postpartum issues because of carrying a baby and not getting to take one home. (Side note: even if I had these concerns more before I made the decision, they would not have changed my mind. I made my bucket list recently, and I realized that this is something I want on it, and I'll check it off completely once I put a baby in my IPs arms. I wanted to do this for someone, no matter what. So I will prepare for the postpartum stuff.) Anyway, so I was thinking that I don't want to deliver this baby alone. My IPs should be there, but I mean having someone there for me. I could ask my mom. But I feel like it's a difficult situation. Being there for my daughter's birth was a nerve-wracking thing for my mother just from her own difficulties with childbirth. I don't want to put her through that for a baby that isn't mine, confusing her emotions. I also don't want an awkward situation in the room because there's me, in labor and getting ready to push out a baby, my IPs who I know and am comfortable with, and my mom who doesn't know them at all and is worried about me, her baby. I think I kind of feel like I would feel like I would need to play host, so to speak, as if we were at my house and I'm introducing everyone, but that's not really a good time for me to be playing host! So I realized the other night that I would really like one of my best friends to be there with me, to help me through the labor & delivery (which to be honest, will probably be more than my ex did the first time around anyway, so it will be nice!) and to be here with me in the days afterward as I'm recovering, getting back on my feet and going through that postpartum stuff. I talked to her about it tonight, and we already have a plan involving Friends marathons and Friends & Twilight Scene It! I can't wait! And I feel better knowing that she will be there with me. It'll be a little tricky planning the logistics, since she doesn't live in Florida, but the same applies to the IPs, so I'm sure we'll figure it out.

One last thing to mention...I had a bit of a premonition the other morning. I was in that semi-conscious state, you know, when you're trying to wake up but you're in and out. And something came to me, in a dream, but my eyes bolted open when I realized what it was. Someone whispered to me, "It's a girl!" Of course, that remains to be seen. It even struck me a bit as odd because it's not something I was thinking about or wondering about. But I certainly took note. So we shall see!